Your friends are not your therapist
I’ve been preaching this gospel for so long today it felt like it warranted a whole blog post.
I first went to therapy when I was 18 going on 19. I had just started university and I felt like I was dealing with way too much shit so I sought out the help of a therapist. It helped that we had psychologists we could consult with on campus for free. Had I known how expensive therapy actually is I would have stayed in uni. Anyway, that’s not the point.
I felt like I needed help and so I sought help. It helped me cope with my life at that time. I had to end my sessions abruptly because someone in the family passed away and I had to go to the funeral with my family. However those few sessions that I had helped me.
I went back again when I was 22 or 23 because my then boyfriend cheated on me and I just wasn’t dealing. I didn’t like that therapist because she was pushing a very christian narrative of forgiveness nywe nywe. Also, I figured that therapy was not going to fix a cheating ass man. So I never went back and I broke up with the man.
Shit kept happening and I didn’t realize at that time but I kept sinking deeper into a hole of depression. Until January 2016 when I was officially diagnosed with depression which forced me to go back to therapy. I saw a therapist weekly and I cried a lot in those sessions. After a while it started feeling like therapy was just a space I could openly cry in (apart from my apartment) and that felt like a waste of money. I didn’t feel like I was getting the help I needed so I broke up with my therapist.
I was hospitalized in May of 2016 for depression and in hospital I could not escape seeing a therapist. I was assigned to a black Indian woman therapist but when I was moved to the mental health facility I was assigned to a different therapist who was a white man. And that was a huge issue for me. I honestly felt like a white man would not understand my problems as a black woman. Due to some stroke of luck he had to go away and I was reassigned to the black Indian woman. And that began the greatest journey of my life with the woman who is still my therapist to this day.
I hated going to therapy at first. I was always either late or I’d go there clearly in no mood to be there. All I seemed to do in there was talk a lot and cry and then get homework. I hated it. But I never stopped going. Until we made a breakthrough. Eventually I started seeing the value of the work my therapist and I were doing.
See I, like most people, thought therapy wasn’t working because I was doing most of the talking. But I know better now. It’s not my therapist who needed the help, I did. Which is why *I* had to do the hard work. Digging deep to face yourself and all your issues is hard work and a lot of us don’t want to do this. So we go to three sessions and think this is not working. Because we want a formula. We want the therapist to say do this and you’ll be alright.
That’s not how therapy works. A therapist gently nudges you along your journey and offers support. But YOU still have to do your own work. There are people who genuinely think they don’t need a therapist because they have their friends. And that makes me SO mad. Therapists are PAID to listen to us. Therapists are PAID to help us along our journeys because it is intense emotional labor. It is incredibly selfish to expect your friends to offer that kind of support for free.
I have been going for therapy consistently for 3yrs now. My therapist has been a great deal of support along my journey but *I* have done the work. I have sat in my bed crying and journaling because *I* needed to face something within me AND deal with it. *I* have done my work and I still continue to do so.
I know some people say therapy has not worked for them but either way, that doesn’t excuse you from having to do your own work. I get very upset when people think just because I am doing my emotional work and openly sharing my journey it’s an invite to dump their problems on me. I am not a therapist. Sift through your emotions yourself and deal with them. There is no escaping that. At some point we all have to face ourselves and deal with our own issues. Our friends do not owe us that.
I recently broke up with a friend over this. She was always complaining to me about one thing or the other. So I told her (regrettably in an unloving, unkind way) that I was done being her unpaid therapist. She told me that she thought that’s what friends were for and I told her that she was wrong. Friends are not free therapists. It is selfish and abusive to think just because someone is your friend they are just a dumping ground for all your problems.
I cannot fix everyone or even do their work for them. So I have drawn a boundary for myself. I will not be the dumping site for anyone’s shit. Who do I dump my problems on? Through doing my own emotional work I have found ways of dealing with my own issues that do not involve abusing people’s friendships. Most people who want to use their friends as therapists can actually afford therapy but it’s just not a priority to them so they go around spilling on everyone who is unfortunate enough to be near them. That on its own is also a sign of lack of boundaries.
Healthy people who have done the work of dealing with themselves and any ugly feelings know when it’s right to talk about them and when it’s not. I am pleading with you all. If you’re reading this, do your own emotional labor. It is hard but no one is going to do it for you. You’ll need to be very brave to face yourself, but how else will you heal? It is YOUR journey so you should do YOUR own work. I beg. I am tired.
