Wherever you are, be all there.

I went to the hospital on Monday for what was supposed to be a minor procedure but then a CT scan revealed that I had bigger problems so instead of being at work today I’m at home, off sick for two weeks while I wait for the next surgical procedure.

I woke up this morning willing it to be a normal day so I checked my work email and responded to a few that I could. And then my boss emailed to ask why I was responding to work emails while on sick leave. I explained that this sick leave was not planned. According to the plan I should have been back at the office today. So I was making sure that those who were expecting my responses today actually got them today.

But, I was in excruciating pain and had to hold off taking my pain meds just so I could respond to those emails.

Anyway I actually paused to ask myself why exactly I was attending to work stuff while on leave. And then an internal battle ensued. I was yet again negotiating my worth.

Somehow I wanted my employer to know that no matter how sick I am I can be counted on. For what. I don’t know. I mean, was it even necessary? The answer is no.

A specialist assessed me and decided I was not well enough to be at work and therefore booked me off. This wasn’t a “oh I’d like a break” type of situation. I am genuinely unwell.

My therapist will tell you I have a hard time accepting these kind of things. I’ll go for surgery, be told to rest for at least 2 weeks. 3 days in I’ll be itching for something.

Which made me wonder, deep within do I not believe that I am worthy of breaks and/or rest when I’m unwell? Must I collapse at work to prove that I am unwell and therefore DESERVE the time off?

Whew. I swear my mind just drags me whenever it feels like it. I am on sick leave not on holiday. I have zero reason to feel guilty for being sick. I am not letting anyone down by needing time off to heal.

My god. The amount of unlearning I had to do this morning. Hard. Writing really keeps me sane.

So I’ve decided that instead of wasting this sick leave worrying about 10 000 unimportant things I will rest and give my body a chance to heal itself.

I have survived far much worse things. I am drinking lots of water and cranberry juice cos I was told that’s what I need right now. But above all, I will be all here. At home on SICK leave and I will not feel guilty about it.

Life has met me with SO much kindness. I am leaning into that kindness right now and just taking the break. I am journaling. Reading. Eating foods I like. Just tending to my inner self who needs the care right now.

And no, I am not all I’ve got. I have a whole lot of people around me who love me for me and are rooting for me. I am loved. And supported. That I know for sure.

So yea, while on sick leave, I will be on sick leave. The world won’t fall apart. Let alone work. I am not the sun. I am not what’s keeping the office together. Right now I need to attend to the emergency that is me. I am my own emergency and I am giving me what inner me wants. Rest. We’ve been through a lot in these past few months this body and I. Yet, we are still here.

I’ll be alright. And I never, ever have to negotiate my worth. Ever. Especially not at the expense of my own health and well being.

Shout out to my therapist for all the work we have done together. I am today because of those hard sessions I’ve had with her. Again, I am filled with immense gratitude for the life I’ve been given. So thankful.