What I’d tell myself 3 months ago.
My love passed away three months back. Three months going on four now. Still reeling from that shock when the wound was still fresh nothing made sense. Looking back there are a couple of things I would tell myself in that space. I have the gift of time now which is why I’m able to look back and think of what I would tell myself then.
- Take a break from everything.
I went back to work two weeks after my angel passed. It was too soon. I’ve needed to be booked off work twice after that. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take a break from everything. I tried too hard to be strong when I didn’t need to. I don’t owe anyone strength. My world came crashing. It’s ridiculous to expect myself to just snap out of it and return to my “normal life”. There is no normal life to return to. My life was forever altered and there is no going back to how it used to be because that is frozen in the past now. I can only hope to rebuild a new normal that I’m happy with.
2. Allow yourself your process.
Funny how I used to tell people that but couldn’t remember it when I needed it. This is no dress rehearsal and neither is it a movie. My boyfriend really died. It’s not something that I had ever experienced before that I could just pick up a script and know exactly what to do. I’ve been figuring everything out as I go. And I am allowed that. In fact I don’t need permission to grieve how I see fit. All this is new to me. I should allow myself my process.
3. Healing is not linear.
I’ve been trying to heal this pain since the day my love passed. I wanted to fast forward to the part where I was completely healed and could glean lessons from this journey. Oh, baby. We are not at the lessons stage yet. This is a long journey. I was very sad and disappointed in myself when I needed to be hospitalized for depression. It felt like a personal failure. But at 3 months now I’m learning that sometimes it will really feel like I’ve taken a hundred steps back and that too is okay. It has to be okay. It’s all part of the process. And I need to be okay with it.
4. You can keep all your pictures.
I took down all my pictures with my boyfriend from my walls at my place. I thought that was the right thing to do. Only to go frame one of my favorite pictures of us for my bedroom at my new place. There’s no requirement that my house should be free of all our pictures by a certain date. I love that man. I love what we shared. So I will hang pictures of us for as long as I want. He may be gone but my story is incomplete without him. I am who I am because of the love we shared. It shaped me into who I am today.
5. You don’t have to be ready for love again.
I cry each time people ask me about a possible future love. I’m just not there yet mentally and I think it’s really cruel that people ask me this. I’m still trying to come to terms with the loss of my one true love and people already want to talk about moving on. He wasn’t “just a boyfriend”, he was the love of my life. Can I be allowed to grieve him for however long it takes? There’s no rush. I don’t have to move on “quickly” to keep anyone happy. I am not ready for another love and I’m making peace with that I might not be for a very long time. Right now if you’re not Tshegofatso I don’t want you. I shouldn’t even have to be explaining this but here we are.
6. Ignore the unsolicited advice.
One thing that has really caught me by surprise is all the unsolicited advice that I have received since my love’s passing. I don’t know what it is about grief that screams “I need advice!” I really don’t. I just need time and space. I’ve learnt to shut it out but in the beginning I was listening and taking everything to heart until it started getting to me. I’ve never liked unsolicited advice and I’m yet to meet anyone who actually does.
7. Be still.
I had decided that I was relocating. Moving out of my place didn’t feel adequate. I wanted to be in a completely different city and begin my life afresh with no reminders of the life my love and I shared. I also wanted to sell all my possessions and just begin afresh. That was obviously trauma talking. Now 3 months have passed and I’m realizing there’s a lot to be learned from just being still. I wanted to be busy to avoid feeling the pain. I’m now practicing being still and just feeling the pain. It comes in waves. No wave has killed me yet so I guess I can survive them all if I just stay still. My therapist and I have agreed that I will not be moving nor quitting my job for at least 6 months. Just to let the dust settle.
For as long as my story is told it will be mentioned that at thirty I lost the love of my life. How cruel. How painful. But this is my story now and forever will be. That’s something that cannot be fixed. It belongs to me so I will feed it to myself even though it feels impossible to swallow. I will let it nurture me because (apparently) it will.
