What 5 years feels like…
My boyfriend and I turned 5 this week. I’ve been high off baecation feelings so I couldn’t gather my thoughts to write about this. We are back from holiday now (God why?!) and I’ve settled back into my life at home therefore I’m now able to sit down and write this.
Firstly, five years is a long time but also not a long time. I mean sure when we say we’ve been together for 5 years it sounds like it’s been a long time but as a party in this relationship it doesn’t feel that long. I feel like I’m only starting to understand my boyfriend as a member of society and not just my boyfriend now. And I am beginning to clearly see the lines around my identity within the relationship so it doesn’t swallow me whole.
I’ve always been scared of losing myself in a relationship. A fear I have expressed in many not so subtle (to my therapist) ways. For example I didn’t really want us to ever share a home because I was scared I’d get lost in a cycle of fulfilling societal gender roles that would leave me tired and resentful. My therapist helped me process that by pointing out whatever happens in our home will be stuff we both allow. That really struck me cos all along I felt like a helpless victim to society’s rules. I’m not. My home right now is basically my boyfriend and I’s home and anything that persists here, I allow. Whew. We have a system here that works for us.
At 5 years we’ve reached the stage of understanding each other’s family drama. When someone is mentioned in passing we don’t need to ask each other who is being discussed, we know. It’s quite interesting cos we had so much to learn at the beginning. That popular sentiment that you don’t need to teach “the right person” how to love you is a damn lie. It takes a long time to learn someone and how they want to be loved to love them well. For example I like to be left alone to “thaw” as I call it when I wake up. My boyfriend is the complete opposite. He wakes up and he’s ready to take on the day (must be crack). So now when he wakes up before me, as he always does, he quietly does his own thing until I’m awake awake.
We spent today visiting some of his family. Wholesome day. And because of how much time we’ve been together I could see the puzzle coming together in my head as stories were being shared. Babies have been born during our relationship. I got two nieces and he has a niece and a cousin who are younger than our relationship. Others we have watched grow alongside our relationship. There’s no longer any awkwardness around each other’s families. We both know our places in our bigger life’s puzzle. We are each other’s partners.
I mention that cos when I was younger I really thought I had to like and be BFFs with my partner’s family. Older me sees things differently. I am confident in my relationship and the space I hold in my love’s life and for that reason I am comfortable sharing him with all the other people in his life. He is more than just a boyfriend after all. I believe in mutual respect which is what I believe exists between me and his family and him and mine. I don’t have to be BFFs with his family, they are not my friends they are my boyfriend’s family. And that actually is enough.
He’s also free to hang out with whoever he chooses to. He doesn’t belong to me, I don’t own him. And that is perhaps the beauty of it. That the goal is not to own him but to share in his life as his chosen romantic partner. There’s so much beauty, healing and wholeness (synonymous with healing really) that has come out of this relationship. You’d think after 5 years I’d confidently say I know EVERYTHING about my boyfriend. That would be a damn lie. He’s an ever evolving person just as I am. I just want to stay interested and committed enough to learn all the different versions of him as they show up. I’m also learning A LOT about myself.
I am now more secure than I ever have been in who I am not just as his girlfriend but as a human being. That has been achieved not apart from this relationship but in it. Which is why I also don’t believe one has to be perfect to be worthy of a good love. We are all worthy of it wherever we are on our life’s journeys. A good love grows with us. This love has definitely grown with me. I am not who I was when I entered the relationship. I am a better version of myself. A softer and kinder version. A version that chooses love and lets love choose it over and over again. Even at my worst I am still worthy of this love.
I share a lot with my boyfriend but sometimes something will feel very uncomfortable for me to say out loud. I give him a heads up that I’m about to share something that makes me feel uncomfortable saying out loud so he can hold space for me and he does it well. I don’t make him my only go to person though because that would be too much of a burden for anyone. I have other people in my life that I lean on. My boyfriend can never be my everything and he really has no business trying to be that. We are human with our own limits but we truly love like we are not confined in our bodies.
I love being here a lot. 5 years feels like stopping for water while on a hike up a mountain with a beautiful view on a very hot day. Refreshing and we’re able to see more of the view from here. We are no longer putting up facades. We are naked with each other and we love what we see and choose it over and over. There’s no one else I’d rather be doing this with. I can’t wait to see what the journey ahead has in store for us but I can tell you one thing, I’m excited!
Thungisani.
