Waiting to exhale
Something traumatic happened to me last year. I know 2020 is the year most of us want to forget. I had good moments but also trauma. I have an underlying anxiety disorder that is often unmasked by random things. That traumatic experience had me getting panic attacks in my sleep. Add to that I lost my job then there was fresh anxiety about when I’d get my next job. Did I have enough money to last me until I was back on someone’s payroll, I freaked out all the time.
I like being alone because performing wellness for people exhausts me. I live alone and in my space I fall apart as often as I need to. I also journal my fears and triggers sometimes talking to myself out loud if the writing isn’t helping. I don’t think anyone in my family understands what exactly living with an anxiety disorder feels like. Actually, I’d go out on a limb and say in all honesty only my therapist and psychiatrist truly get it. Everyone tries but they don’t quite get it.
I’m always worried about something. Even if I shove it to the back of my mind it carries on existing there. I just had a meltdown cos I’m sleep deprived and I was also just overwhelmed by how much my life is just riddled with anxiety. Sometimes, like today, I don’t want to shower and go out and meet anyone. I want to stay in bed and wallow.
I feel like I’m ALWAYS holding my breath. I try everything they say I should to ease the anxiety but at the end of the day I still need to pop a pill or two to hold me together until my body remembers how it feels to not be anxious about anything. I want to be honest with people about the state of my existence inside my body but I do not want to be Negative Nelly always whining about very real feelings about “imagined” problems.
Intellectually I know in most cases my anxiety is baseless. However that doesn’t stop my body from responding as if I am in imminent danger. That means sometimes I have a tummy ache or an aching body from problems that seem very real in my head. I now try and share my fears and anxieties with my boyfriend who does not live with an anxiety disorder so he can put things into perspective for me.
I also hang out with friends, when the social anxiety kicks in I sometimes secretly medicate myself or else I run the risk of completely zoning out cos anxiety will not let me look at the people I’m around in the eye or hold meaningful conversations. I want to run back to my bed, my safe space and hide.
I’ve been sighing a lot because I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m holding my breath. Many bad things have happened to me but this anxiety really takes the cup. I want this year to be the year I learn to let go, float and relax. If I can just get around this anxiety. I have tried so many things to unearth it at its core but it seems to be getting more aggressive with time. I don’t know if it’s because of my current circumstances i.e. unemployment that it feels like it’s at its peak but my God, how I would love to just exhale and you know, just be.
