Time the healer…
This year marks four years since my angel passed away. It’s so hard to believe it will be four years already. Time is such a strange thing. It doesn’t *feel* like it’s been four years. I see things unfolding that suggest some time has passed but goodness, it does not *feel* like four years.
I saw Tshego’s gran yesterday and every time I see her I remember that this reality we now live in is not a movie. I think sometimes I get by by pretending Tshego’s passing was in a movie about someone’s life and not my own. It can be quite overwhelming to sit with the fact that it’s something I actually experienced.
I was 30. Deliriously in love. We were gonna get married possibly at the end of that year. We had started talking about it. I had told my mom and a few close friends. We were gonna see the venue he wanted us to have our wedding at that Tuesday. He died on the Monday. Goodness. I felt like I had been dropped from the tallest mountain of joy that ever was.
I think it’s a gift to want to love and be with someone until death do you part. I honestly don’t think anyone in love ever thinks about the day that death does actually do you part. I was scared of it happening but even then I never really thought about life without Tshego. Him and I were gonna grow old together and die from natural causes after a loooong and beautiful life together. We were going to die at old age one after the other in my head like the real lovers we were.
So for him to just go in the middle of our slow dance through life really caught me off guard. Suddenly, against my will, I was forced to discover what life without him actually was. I did not ask for this. I did not have a say in any of it. I would not have chosen it if I had been given a choice.
I always feel like I’m living life after the epilogue of my life. Like, I have watched the movie that was my life with Tshego came to an end and the epilogue has come and gone and now I’m just stuck at the end wondering, “what next?!” Truly. Think about the “til death do us part” that you have promised your partner. Can you imagine the part that comes AFTER THAT?!
I can bet my last cent you haven’t. No one thinks about it. You never imagine it happening to you until it does. I have lived almost 4yrs after death did us part. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath the entire time scared of what would come next. How was I to know?! I never imagined this part.
Yesterday when I was with granny I had a moment with myself when I realised that THIS, what I call my life now, is what comes after death doing us part. Goodness. I have been desperate for the world and time to just pause for me and my grief while I regain my bearings but life and time stop for no one.
I am amazed that I have somehow managed to keep moving alongside time. I am amazed that his family and I were able to forge our own path forward with no map or example of how it was done. No one gave them a manual of what to do when Tshego dies and leaves his girlfriend behind.
We’ve had to make it all up as we go. I am proud of all of us for what we have made of our lives since that tragic day. The one person I see the most is his younger brother Kgosi. I spend the most time with him. No one taught us how to pick up the pieces after the person who brought us together was no more. No one taught granny what to do with his unmarried grandson’s girlfriend after the grandson passed on prematurely.
We’ve had to figure it all out every single day. I could have never guessed that four years in I’d still be going to hang at his house like he was still here. I had no idea that four years in I would be shopping for clothes in granny’s wardrobe simply cos that is the kind of relationship we built for ourselves after the person who brought us together was no more.
I had no idea that I would be a dog mom one day as a direct consequence of losing the love of my life who was the original pup daddy. I had no idea I’d go on to buy a house by myself. ALL of this was once unknown to me. I had no idea I’d make it to FOUR years without him. I barely made it through the third day without him.
All of this was unknown to me. I’m writing this to return in time to the Sanele on 26 April 2021 when the news was delivered in person to me by his family. I’m going back in time to tell that Sanele that she will be fine. All of this was so hard to imagine back then. I want her to know there are still good things in her future despite this unimaginable tragedy.
I’m exhaling finally after almost four years of holding my breath scared of what would happen next. I had never played the movie of Sanele and Tshego long enough to see what happened if death ever did us part.
Life does become ok again. In some areas it’s even more than ok. We found our rhythm with his family. I found the love of a dog. And his family expanded their hearts to not only love me but my dogs too. They all treated Ry like Tshego’s actual son and that’s how they treat River too. Granny will tell me to say hi to her grandson River over the phone. What we have is special.
Around the two year mark I started feeling pressure to date again. But I soon realised I wasn’t doing that cos that’s what *I* wanted. I was doing it cos I felt pressure to. So I made a conscious decision to stop trying to date cos it’s not what I want right now. I don’t think my heart is ready for that. I feel like right now is for dogs.
Dogs love me exactly how I want to be loved right now. I feel like my heart also only has the capacity to love dogs only. A dog’s love is a very uncomplicated love. I still have pictures of Tshego on my walls. River doesn’t feel threatened by those. River doesn’t need me to take them down to “prove I love him more.” It’s not a competition for him. River loves me and all that I come with.
I like that a lot. I don’t want to feel rushed in my grieving. You guys, Tshego was THE love of my life. Him and I were MEANT to be! He was like my soul in another body. Yin to my yang. Surely if in five years together I felt like I was *just* getting to understand him as a person, four years of grieving him is a smol smol time.
I have no idea how long it will take me to feel ready to be romantically with someone again and that’s ok. I’m in no rush. I respect time and what is possible with enough of it. I’m giving myself all the time in the world.
I’m making plans to make sure I am paid enough to never need someone’s second income. The only reason I’d be with someone right now is for that 2nd income. But that’s not a good enough reason to be with someone for me. Cos what happens after I get the money? Will the person have to leave and come back when it’s time to pay bills again? See. It just won’t work. So I must make enough by myself to afford River and I.
I am thankful that an all knowing, all seeing God gave me a dog. I always say River fits my life right now like a hand in a glove. It’s incredible! Only God could have know this. I had no idea. I had no clue. I would have never thought to go get a dog by myself. God had to make it happen for me cos a dog is exactly what I need right now. River is perfect for me in ways I don’t yet have the language for.
Also another thing that makes me feel God is in the middle of this “life after Tshego” story is that many women complain about raging libidos in their thirties. If I had that too I’d probably be in a relationship by now. But cos of the antidepressants I was put on after Tshego passed and a hormonal pill I take for endometriosis, my libido is basically on extended leave. LOL
So you see, there is no real need for a man in my life right now. I do not take any of this for granted. I love how organised God is. If the devil was in charge I would probably NEED a man right now even though I know deep in my soul that I am not ready for that right now.
God doesn’t put the cart before the horse. Ever. His things happen in the most perfect order. I believe there is some order my life is following which I’m not necessarily privy to. I just know my steps are being ordered. I’m focusing on myself and all the things that have nothing to do with a romantic relationship.
God just needs space and time to do what he does and I am giving him that. He needs to work on the deep wound in my heart caused by losing the love of my life. I can feel that every day there is some progress we are making on this journey. River doesn’t rush me along my healing process. He’s just happy to be with me. Do you think a man would *just* be happy to be with me? LOL not a chance.
I love my life now despite the tragedy. I love the bonds Tshego’s family and I have formed. I love that there will always be space for me at the Pitse table cos of my relationship with Tshego.
Turns out sometimes, with enough time and space, we do survive the worst thing to happen us.
