THIRTY TWO trips around the sun! 🥂
Yesterday I turned 32!!!!!!
Can you believe it?! I’m a whole THIRTY TWO year old!!!!! 😱😱😱 OMG. Feels so surreal. Thirty two feels grown. I feel like a real adult.
It was a few weeks before my birthday that I finally had that dawning moment of realizing I am now the adult in my life. For years I had walked through life assuming the child position. I didn’t realize that I was unconsciously shrinking into my child self in all my interactions with fellow adults.
It took YEARS of therapy to get this point. I feel like I’ve finally come home to myself. I am the adult in my life now. I do not need another adult to guide me through my life. I AM the adult in my life.
You have no idea what a relief knowing that is!! I feel FREE. It feels like my life is just beginning. Like all the years before this were all leading me to this moment. Like the grief I fell in when the love of my life died has transmuted into this version of me. I feel like I’ve been born again. I feel like this is the start of my life as was intended.
I don’t have the language yet to express all that is happening inside of me at this moment.
But it feels like the beginning of something big. Something big like my life. Like this is the beginning of the life I came to this earth to live. I am the universe experiencing itself. This feels like the moment the universe begins to be what it came to be through me.
Oh my heart.
When my boyfriend died it was at a stage of our relationship that felt like him and I were slow dancing through life. Our love was SO good it felt like we were slow dancing through life. Slow dancing for me is something that’s meant to be savoured. It is something that is done slowly so the dancers can ENJOY themselves. It felt like we were being given our chance to just ENJOY life.
I’m starting to feel like I’m getting another chance to slow dance through life. Not through a romantic relationship but by getting to experience life as this version of me. Grief cracked me wide open and birthed a whole new me.
I always knew that if I opened myself up to just be present in my grief it would be transmuted to something more beautiful. I believe this version of me is more beautiful. “The art of Kintsugi is called Kintsukuroi, meaning “mending with gold.” I feel like I’m finally seeing the gold that has mended my grief stricken heart. And it is SO beautiful!
I am SO in love with who I am now. ❤️❤️
