My year in review. Mas’bonge.
Beginning of the year I saw someone write about how instead of writing resolutions or a list of goals they wrote the new year a letter. I liked that a lot so I did the same. I already keep a journal so I just picked a fresh page and wrote the year 2020 a letter. I’ve read that letter multiple times this year amazed at my words coming to life.
I’m a firm believer in the power of our words. I co-create my universe with my words. I didn’t write this down but I told my boyfriend that by this day I’d be debt free. That came true. From my grandmother, my mother and I we sometimes dream of stuff before it happens. On the night of 31 December 2019 I had a dream that basically told me I’d face what seemed like insurmountable personal challenges but I’d make it through. Problem with dreams is I never know when exactly and how that will happen.
Sure enough the challenge came and dragged on for what felt like forever. But when it ended?! I cried real tears. Shock, relief, disbelief. I went through all the motions. I was raised in the church so I know the Bible relatively well and sometimes I refer to it for encouragement. I prayed Elijah’s prayer A LOT this year, “Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known this day that You are God in Israel and I am Your servant, and that I have done all these things at Your word. Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that You are the Lord God, and that You have turned their hearts back to You again.”
When the storm ended I finally understood what Joseph meant when he told his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
This year tested me in ways no other year has and backed in a corner I had nothing but my faith to rely on. I battle with the idea of God depicted in the Bible but I do not deny the existence of a higher power. The Bible was written by men so I read everything with a pinch of salt. Sometimes I think the people who wrote it where tripping on something but that’s a story for another day. However there are certain stories I resonate with and find encouragement in so I hold on to those.
This year was a weird year but it saw me grow in leaps and bounds spiritually. We live in the times of “spiritual but not religious” people so there is so much “spiritual” information being poured out daily on the internet. I had to spend time thinking about my beliefs because I do not resonate with every “spiritual” thing out there so it was important to define my beliefs for myself. I like that a lot. My set of beliefs are beliefs that align with who I am and support my highest good.
I long quit trying to convince anyone to believe what I believe. I guess I could have never been an evangelist even if I tried. I am secure in what I believe, open to new ideas that could possibly see me discard certain beliefs or growing my beliefs but I am not interested in rallying up cheerleaders on my journey. I believe what I believe and it works for me and I’m okay with that please and thank you. I guess this would be a perfect opportunity to plead with people to stop trying to force feed me their beliefs. If it works for you, great. Why must your spirituality be a group project?
As the year comes to an end I am filled with nothing but gratitude for everything. Everything happened as it should have. It was a testing year for many of us and I can only hope we are able to embrace ourselves on this day and give praise for making it to this day. Many of us crawled to this day but we made it nonetheless.
I am so grateful for what I get to call MY life. My heart is full, faith strengthened. I have so much love in my life. I am thankful for the immense courage I showed this year while faced with challenges. For that, I will ALWAYS be proud of myself. I met myself in a way I never want to forget. And I want to extend gratitude to all my loved ones who stuck with me in my corner even when it felt like I was being squeezed so hard there wasn’t enough room for anyone else but me. My loved ones also squeezed themselves into my corner and said if that is where life wanted me to stand they too would stand there, with me.
Words alone will never be enough to express my gratitude for all of that and more.
Makwande. Kukhanye.
Happy 2021!(Borrowing from Shonda Rhimes’ speech) may we wake up one day to find we are living a life we never even imagined dreaming of.
