The spring of my life
I was on a call with my darling friend aka my husband today. I was telling him how dizzy I feel from just how awesome my life is right now. It feels so scary saying it out loud because “omg I don’t wanna jinx it” but fuck it. I’m really enjoying my life right now my heart just cannot contain the gratitude and joy.
Surgery went well, I’m recovering well. My boyfriend has been by my side just about all the time. Can you believe we are turning 5 in April and somehow I. STILL. CANNOT. GET. ENOUGH. OF. HIM?! God I love that man! So much. He makes my life worth living. I remember the days leading up to surgery last week I was an emotional wreck so bad that when the nurse asked for my family’s medical history and I had to mention that my grandmother had cancer I cried. I suppose that will ALWAYS make me emotional for whatever reason. I miss her. I love her.
My mom couldn’t be with me cos COVID and she’s been by my bedside for EVERY surgery I have ever had in all my 30yrs of living. NOTHING will ever top a mother’s love. I felt it deeply while lying in that hospital bed all by myself that nobody could ever love me like my momma does. And that is actually okay cos it makes her love for me even more special and irreplaceable. Ugh. Mothers are such… mothers! Love personified. Okay let me not speak for everyone. My momma is love personified. My dad? I love him but he’s just not my mom you know. So thanks dad for picking mommy for me.
Anyway when I was wheeled into theatre I felt depressed. So low I wished I could just die on that operating table. I didn’t have anyone to tell of the mess that was going on in my head at that time so I had to call upon myself. You know, my wiser, higher (and deeper) self. Only I could be there for me in that moment. I encouraged myself to change my focus from everything that made me sad and wishing I could just die (the pain I was in and the impending surgery) to things that made my life worth living.
I thought of my nieces, my brother’s two beautiful daughters. My nephews, my sister’s two beautiful sons. My parents. My siblings. My friends. All the music I liked. All the shows I still wanted to watch on Netflix. Future baecations I had to look forward to. The way my boyfriend loses himself in his favorite music. My friend aka my husband who’s so far away from me physically but feels SO close to me. Our silly jokes. Things only we knew and understood about each other.
I felt a warmth rise up from my heart and radiate from me. I have a good life. I’m happy. Safe. Loved up. Full of joy. The general anesthetic kicked in while I was still smiling thinking of how my relationship with my boyfriend was something worth living for, something I needed to wake up post op for.
I never forgot those few minutes before surgery. I had a slideshow going on in my head of all the things that made my life beautiful. It’s been over a week now since that day and I am still beaming. In the conversation with my husband I was explaining how I feel like I need to either minimize my joy to make some people comfortable around me or justify it. I am struggling with that. However I am writing this on a very public platform to silence the voice in my head that tells me I need to do those things.
Life is hard. Any ounce of joy it gives us needs to be celebrated out loud and allowed to see the full light of day. This is me acknowledging my very present joy. I am happy. Joyful. Thankful and above all else, content with my life right now. Ngiyaz’bongela. Makwande.
