The only rules that matter are the ones you make up.

The subject of dating again comes up a lot for me. People are curious about whether I’ll date again or I’m officially done for the rest of my life. Well, I’m far from being done. I was only 30 when my boyfriend died. There’s no way I could have been done. Sure I wanted to grow old with him but that will not be happening. I’m only 31 now and I definitely would like to have another partner someday.

The subject of dating again for women who’ve lost their partners (to death) is almost taboo in the society I exist in. Women are expected to grieve for the rest of their lives and therefore never be with another man ever again. Do you see how society is harsh towards women? We are expected to remain loyal to men even in their death. When men lose their partners they are encouraged to find someone new to help them heal but women can’t do the same cos “what will people say?”

Although it hasn’t been at the forefront cos I have more urgent needs, I would definitely like to be with someone again. My boyfriend and I never tried to own each other. We loved each other while holding space for the fact that we shared our lives with other people outside of the relationship. I can’t imagine in his death he’d expect me to prove my loyalty to him by closing off any chance of love again.

In his letter to me he concluded by telling me to find a different love. That line used to upset me cos what did he mean find a different love when he was the love I wanted. But enough time has passed for me to begin to see the wisdom in his words. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life so yes, I’d like to find a different love.

I was also intrigued by his choice of words. He didn’t just say find another love he said to find a different love. I’ve read about finding love again after losing one’s partner and they all say the same thing. It can be a good love but it just won’t be the same. It will be a good but different love. So my boyfriend knew exactly what he was talking about.

I’m in no rush to find that different love. I’m okay being alone for now. But should I wake up one day and decide I actually would like to be in a relationship again, nothing would stop me. I know too many women who were married then lost their partners when they were around my age and they just never got with anyone again. If that’s what they wanted, great. But I get the feeling that most of them stayed single cos they were afraid of the harsh judgment from society.

I think that’s just so unfair. I wish I could join a society of women who’ve lost their partners just to remind them that they are free to find love again. We have nothing to prove to the world. We don’t have to deny ourselves a good love to prove to the world that we really loved our partners. We did and that is enough. We are also not to blame for the deaths of our partners. If they were still alive we’d obviously still be with them.

This is a subject that’s very close to my heart. I casually talk about wanting to date again and I’ve been told to wait a bit. No one can tell me what I’d be waiting for though which also suggests that that’s some bs that’s reserved for women only. If you want to date again a day after losing your partner, do it. This is another playground with no rules. On day 1 of life without your partner and day 1000 your partner will still be dead. So what is there to wait for except to keep strangers happy and pleased with you? The worst thing about the strangers is that it’s impossible to keep all of them happy at the same time. By pleasing one you’re disappointing the other. It’s a battle no one ever wins.

I’ve finally settled into my new life without my partner and I’m enjoying my life again. I’m finding men to be too talkative for my liking and that’s why I’m choosing to remain single. Should I meet a guy I enjoy listening to without feeling like I’m in prison then I’m not wasting any time! I’m snatching him.

I hope wherever you are on your grief journey, assuming you’ve also lost a partner; you know that the only rules that exist regarding how you proceed with your life are the ones you make up. No one else can dictate how you grieve or carry on with your life. It’s entirely up to you. And you have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone. You don’t have to prove how much you loved your partner. They knew and that is enough. Don’t close yourself off to love to keep people happy. They will never be satisfied with anything you do so just do whatever you want.

Happy Friday, lovelies! Once again thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing. 🌻