The evolution of Sanele

I’m reading a lot lately. Way more than I have in the past decade. I’ve always loved reading however I was finding that work stress and the other stresses of being alive were sapping me dry of my capacity to read. I was just always too tired to read. At some point reading became something I only did on holidays. How sad!

Anyway, this job I started last year has changed my life!! Initially I used to start work at 10am. Listen, a 10am start was once a literal dream for me. I just realised that I’m only fully awake from 10am. So my ideal job would be one that started at 10am. That felt like a dream. Until it wasn’t! Man. I realised that all those years in corporate I was ALWAYS sick and fatigued was cos my day was starting way too early for me.

Listen. I hear all the noise about morning people being better blah blah. I am NOT one of those people. And that is ok. I was not raised to see myself and/or take myself seriously as a person. I was raised in a very patriarchal home and girls were second class citizens for just being girls. It’s taken A LOT of work on my part to unlearn that toxic bs and see myself and value myself as a woman and as a person.

I promise you. This thing of me truly seeing myself and seeing my worth is new to me. I wasn’t always like this. Subconsciously I didn’t think I was human enough. I didn’t think *I* as a girl and now a woman mattered. That is something adult Sanele had to learn for her and her younger self. Now that I truly see myself I take myself seriously. I listen to my body cos I matter to me. I wasn’t taught that women mattered too. So it is quite a mini revolution for little Sanele to be seen.

I’m just not a morning person. Great if your body can handle a 5am start. Mine just cannot and I will not bully myself to fit someone’s idea of good. In my life only my opinion of myself matters. I won’t lie. That feels so f’n revolutionary! I feel like I have taken a stand and said it doesn’t matter who sees or doesn’t see me now, *I* see myself and that is all that matters. That *I* wasn’t always this pronounced. All of this is new to me and I am loving it!

I hear my body clearly now. My mind-body connection is wide open. So I give my body what it is asking for. It’s 1 July 2024 and I have not taken sick leave this year. This is SO unlike me. I was ALWAYS sick! Just switching my work start time has made all the difference. Three months back I moved to a different flexible working arrangement. I have to say my employer takes flexible working really seriously. Instead of 8hr days I now work 9hr days then get one day off every two weeks.

I chose Monday as my non working day. So I have long weekends every other week. Man. You don’t realise how much work stress is costing you until you get rid of it. I feel like a whole new person!

I hate being bullied or feeling like someone is trying to control me. And I feel like up until now that’s what employment felt like to me. Like I was being bullied cos I was having to wake up and start working loooong before my body was ready to. Also I work from home full time. That truly has given me my life back.

I’m generally someone who needs A LOT of time alone to feel like myself. Being forced to be around people every day of the week was exhausting for me. Now I go to the office when I want to see my friend who’s also my colleague. Any other time I don’t have to.

Man. Life feels GOOD again. It makes me sick to think that all along this feeling was unattainable cos of f’n capitalism! I hate capitalism as a system. Every book I read about the troubles that affect women today show that some of those problems can be directly traced back to capitalism. Patriarchy, racism (for us black women) and capitalism the triplets of the evils that oppress me and other people like me today.

I’ve been reading a lot so a lot of thoughts are being thunk. I know I’m happy when I invest time in doing the things I love. I don’t read, I don’t write, I don’t listen to music and I don’t savour delicious food when I’m stressed. But now? I can even read three books in a week!

I am so happy, so thankful my body FINALLY came out of survival mode. I started doing yoga consistently in Jan this year. By consistently I mean 3/4 times a week. Twice on a bad week but every week I am getting on the mat. I want to eventually be able to do it every day but I am being gentle and kind with myself cos just 6 months ago I was doing yoga zero times a week. So 3/4 times a week is good.

I’ve really learnt to be gentle with and LOVE my body. I started exercising cos I learnt how much our bodies love movement. I have put on weight but I didn’t want losing weight to be my goal of exercising. Listen. Because I see myself and love myself the way I do I never want to punish myself for being human. So what my body picked up a few extra kilos? I’m happy, I’m stress free, I’m eating well and haven’t really been doing anything to lose weight so why must I punish my body?

My yoga practice is rooted in love. I do yoga cos my body loves it and it makes me feel good!! I will never punish my body for expanding. This is my soul’s house. Do you get that? You can’t put a soul in a handbag. Even if the handbag costs millions. Only a body is able to carry a soul. *Only* a body. No, really. Sit and think about that. Will its size be what gets in the way of all that awesome? I have no problem with working out to lose weight. I’m just against exercise as a form of “punishment.” And frankly to me now most gym workouts seem more like punishment.

When I made the commitment to start moving my body I was clear to myself that it had to be something I would ENJOY. Society is very punishing and uses very punishing language towards women. A lot of prescribed behaviours for women are about endurance more than they are about enjoyment.

Take for example wearing heels. They look nice but they need to be endured. Why doesn’t the “ideal” woman’s look include comfortable shoes? Male fitness trainers torture women in gyms. No, please. I did not come here to endure my life. I came to ENJOY it. So yes, I wanted to exercise but I also wanted to ENJOY said exercise. Yoga is absolutely perfect for me! Oh and my other form of exercise is walking although I haven’t been consistent with that this winter. But I wanted to do things that would not only benefit my body but I would also enjoy. Yoga and walking are perfect for me. And I feel so good afterwards which proves that exercise doesn’t have to be brutal to work. People just love self flagellation.

Oh and I have decided that I would really like to stay single at least until 40. I don’t know if I will feel like being with someone at 40 but I will open myself up to that then. Right now I feel very selfish with myself. Remember I mentioned I wasn’t raised to SEE myself as a woman. Now that I see myself I am obsessed with what I see. I’m really not interested in focusing on anyone else the way romantic partnerships make you focus on someone.

My whole life I have been focusing on other people. If you follow me on social media or know me in real life you’ll know how obsessed I was with my late boyfriend. Mine is a very focused love. If I love you I love you. I would like, for once, to experience my own love and admiration.

You know my last boyfriend of two weeks made me realise just how uninterested in romantic partnership I am. He was a great guy, I give him that. Truly amazing with the most fascinating mind. I was enthralled by his mind. But focusing on him and his brilliance was taking my eyes off me and my own brilliance. Nah ah. NO ONE is that important please. That man would have made such an excellent boyfriend. But I’m just not there right now.

Since I have made it a habit to listen to myself I am listening to myself about this. I take myself seriously. My wants and desires matter. If no one else will take me that seriously, I WILL. It’s so powerful, so affirming to listen to yourself and give yourself what you desire. I feel like a small god- granting myself all my wishes. What a thing!!

Right now I want to be alone. I have space for deep, life-giving friendships but none for a romantic lover. I also want to explore the depths of Sanele. Get to know myself better, understand myself better, unlearn what I learnt to survive. I no longer need to just survive. I have plenty room to THRIVE.

I feel like me choosing to stay single is like re-potting myself. I was a plant mom at some point in my life. As plants grow bigger they need bigger pots to give their roots room to grow. I feel like my choosing to stay single is me giving myself room to be my most expansive self. I find having a romantic partner stifling. I’m my freest, most powerful when I’m single. I’m deeply in touch with myself. No one’s opinion of me carries the weight I gave to my late partner’s opinion of me.

Society makes us treat romantic relationships like they are the single most important relationships of our lives. They are not. I value friendship above all else. I call one of my friends (my platonic life partner- protecting her identity cos she didn’t choose this blogger life lol) my other brain. I mean. I don’t have to figure everything out myself. I can just call her to pick her brain.

I rely on my close circle for advice hey. I refuse to do life alone in a world with 8 billion people. But if you believe that should only come from a romantic relationship you will be miserable while single. Also society makes this one person seem like they will single handedly “fix” your life. I quite like having more than one person to count on. Being single expanded my world in that way. Now I have a person (mostly friends) for anything and everything. And I think that’s how it should be. Not having one person for everything.

I’m happy. I love my life! I want to see it expand in the way only being single could allow me. I listen to myself EVERY DAY!! It feels so indulgent. Like I’m doing something wrong. But the only “wrong” thing I’ve done is just go against society’s messaging to women.

Reading has made me realise that there is specific message regarding knowing yourself, loving yourself, being a good person and marriage that is targeted at women and those socialised as women. None of that messaging benefits women or people socialised as women but it is women and people socialised as women who must live by those words.

I thank God for books! Truly. I used to tell my late boyfriend that for my first four years of high school I went to a school in the middle of nowhere. Phones were not allowed, we did not listen to the radio nor watch tv. My only contact with the world outside was through books!! I may have been confined there for three months at a time but my mind was always free to go wherever it pleased through books.

I’m finding that now I have returned to that space. Where my body is mostly at home but my mind is out there in the world meeting people who shape my thinking through books. What a gift! I am so grateful for the gift of words. Even more grateful that my current job now affords me the capacity to read! I am happiest when I am reading I promise you! I think I enjoy reading more than I enjoy writing. I love writing but it’s mostly inner work for me that I write about.

I don’t know how to just write “for fun.” I would like to learn to tell a story for the joy of telling a story but I’m not there yet. Writing is mostly therapy for me. I get grumpy if I don’t journal for two consecutive days. You see? I write to survive. But I read for the sheer joy of it.

Man oh man. I am so grateful for where I find myself today mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Life *feels* good again. I am thoroughly enjoying being my baby dog’s mom. I LOVE dogs! I want to do a road trip to the beach with him before the year ends. I love the beach. I love my dog. I want to know what River (my dog) plus beach feels like.

Listen. If you had told me that I would be THIS happy three years after the love of my life died I’d have said you were smoking crack. But here I am. THRIVING. Ah man. God is gracious.

I am so grateful for it all.

ps. I have an instagram account in which I share the books I read. My worldviews and ideas are mostly shaped by the books I read. You can follow me here.