Ten years of nothingness.

I finished high school in 2008 which means this year marks ten years since I left school. Ten years is a long time. Apart from my undergrad degree I feel like I have nothing else to show for the ten years I have been out of school. I am struggling as an adult in the real world with finding my identity. And this is why.

For all my school going years my parents over emphasized the importance of academic success. I learnt that at a very early age and I always excelled as a result. I wanted to make my parents happy and bringing that report card with all As made them very happy. Little did I realize how much of my identity was now tied to that. If you ask anyone who went to school with me they will tell you I was one of the smartest if not the smartest kid in their class.

I took pride in walking up the stage to get my awards because apart from making my parents happy it validated me. I found validation from all the awards, certificates and badges that I got each term. That sounds great because who doesn’t want a smart kid. BUT. In my case, I never learned my value apart from those things.

After I walked out of school there were no report cards, no number 1 spot to claim and my identity sort of crumbled. It doesn’t help that I struggled with my undergrad. This is something I am very open and honest about. From coming first in my accounting class in high school, my undergraduate accounting degree showed me flames. It took me a long and brutal five years to complete my three year degree. Was I any less smart then? No.

However after twelve years of rooting my whole identity in my report cards I found myself very lost in my varsity and post varsity days. I didn’t know who I was without coming out tops in class and getting applause as I went up on stage to receive my prize. Everything just came crumbling down and I had to relearn who I was.

“Your value is secure. Even when your heart is breaking, even when you are hurt beyond measure, even when you feel small and sad — your value is spoken for. IRREVOCABLY.” source

I understand that my parents pushed me so hard to succeed in school so I could have a better future for myself. However I cannot ignore the damage they caused by not teaching me that I was worthy apart from my academic achievements. I grew up believing I was worthy BECAUSE of my academic acheivements. And you can see the danger in that was that once the achievements were gone I felt unworthy.

It’s a lie I have spent most of adult years trying to unlearn. I know I titled this ‘ten years of nothingness’ because that made me chuckle. However it hasn’t really been ten years of nothingness. Sure I got my degree but now I know that isn’t why I am worthy. I am worthy because I am. I am working hard on tearing down that lie with the help of my superb therapist and my loving boyfriend who patiently listen to all the reasons I want to go back to school and get that fancy job and remind me that I want those things for the validation.

I am quite content with my life right now. I have a small car that takes me from point a to point b. A quaint apartment that affords me the peace and privacy I want for myself. I have a job that could have very well have fallen from heaven because of how it allows me to still pursue things that fill my soul on the side. In my dream life I live to write. And I have to remember that each time the idea of getting a masters degree I cannot afford in something I don’t really like so I can get that fancy sounding job that will kill my soul because I feel that is what society expects of me and that is what society will applaud me for.

I have come a long way. I have done a lot of work in therapy in building an identity that is not tied to achievements and also to just learn and love who I am. I hope my nephews and niece grow up to know they are loved and valued apart from their academic achievements. It would be nice for them to do well in school but they would be loved in spite of that and not because of that.

We live in a society that places too much value in the things we acquire and not in the individual. It has been a tough road trying to walk away from that. I also want to be valued based on my accomplishments but reason and grace tells me I am valued even without my accomplishments. This has been my biggest lesson in the ten years I have been out of school. I will not go back to school solely for the sake of going back to school. I will do it because I have found something that I like and want to study it further.

My value is spoken for, irrevocably.