Taking it easy.

Happy new year!

I’ve written and deleted 4 drafts cos I couldn’t decide what I wanted my first post of the year to be about. What I’m writing about today is what’s stood the test of time. It keeps coming up whenever I think of what to write about so here I am.

I spent a significant amount of time last year longing for another relationship. I thought I was ready to date again. I tried it but I always found something to hate about the people after 2 days of talking. There was just always something wrong. I met about 3 potential dates and none of them worked out. I’m glad.

In my last therapy session my therapist told me that I was looking for Tshego’s replacement. That caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready for such truth. I didn’t like any of the guys because they were not my boyfriend (Tshegofatso). That took me aback. I was excitedly swiping left and sometimes right on dating apps not realizing I was just looking for my boyfriend.

Anyway I made a conscious decision to stop dating. I stumbled upon the quote in the pic above and man. It hit the spot. Time is the most gentle stitching for even the deepest wounds.

I decided to gift myself time. Time to heal not put a bandaid over a gaping wound and hope for the best while jumping into another relationship. Even when I pray I say that I’d love to fall in love again… just not now.

I’m not ready. I don’t feel ready. So I want to gift myself the most gentle stitching for my deep wound. I want to take some time to learn the pain. To understand it. To learn from it. To heal.

I’m not going to wait until I’m 100% healed to try to date again. I don’t believe in perfection. But I want to know that I gave myself what I needed the most and truly tended to my broken heart.

I’m excited for my life. Giving up on dating has given me my life back. I was obsessing over finding love again that giving up on it has freed up my mind and time. I know that all my time now is focused on my healing and learning myself outside of a romantic relationship.

I have new dreams. I have other things to fill my time. I am enjoying not being preoccupied by trying to find the perfect date. Dating apps are exhausting. I’ll get back to them when I’m satisfied that my heart and I have stitched a substantial amount of it. Though I don’t think it will ever be fully stitched up again.

I’ve been thinking that beyond being my lover, my boyfriend was my best friend. I’m taking time to understand what that meant to me and what the loss then means in that context. I was most myself with him. I allowed him to see all of me with no pretence. How do I carry on with such a huge part of my life missing from me?

Those are the things I’m giving myself the time to find the answers to. I’m giving myself time to figure it out through trial and error. I went shopping for new lingerie on Saturday and that’s made me so happy. I’m rediscovering the things that make me happy.

Turns out time is the best gift I could have ever given to myself! I’m so glad I’m in this mental space. Not obsessing over finding love again has freed up so much of my thinking capacity. I’ve just decided that’s not important to me so I’m finding more important things and I’m happy doing so!

I’m hopeful about this year. A small part of me is scared to be too optimistic cos the past year took the love of my life. I have a healthy dose of optimism though. I don’t want fear to have the last say.

I want this to be a year rich in healing for myself. I will take all the time I need to piece my heart back together. There’s really no rush in trying to find love again. Love will come when love comes. :)