Submitting to the master that is grief
I went to the office today. While I was away from work it was decided that we’d start going to the office twice a week. I had no issue with being in the office except for that it created an illusion that I wasn’t talking to my angel because he was also in the office. Not that we didn’t talk when he was in the office but somehow my mind convinced me he was just having a busy day at work.
After work I drove to his house and when I got there reality hit me, again. I just sat in the car and wept. I wept so much you’d think my tears would bring him back. It was then that I realized I was up against a monster. Grief is the monster. It is a master and it is a monster. It is a monster of a master. I feel helpless against it. Like there’s nothing else I can do but just surrender to it. Oh my heart.
If you’ve been waiting for the me you’ve always known to bounce back I have news for you. That Sanele is gone. Gone with the love of her life. What is left is a blank slate, or a slate colored with grief. Grief is shaping me into something else. Someone new.
I’ve always loved my own space but today I didn’t even recognize that girl who so desperately wanted her own space. I don’t care for having anything to my name. I am okay with my space being a bedroom and not the whole house. I don’t need the whole house to myself. I think this new Sanele is a Sanele who doesn’t want much to her name. A Sanele who wants to walk into a house filled with the sound of other voices but the one in her head.
I am in the washer here with this grief. I’m done fighting it. I am going to grieve like it is my life’s purpose because right now grief IS my purpose. I pride myself in putting my back into anything I set my mind on, why not show grief that even I can do it. I’m taking off my rain boots and jumping straight into the mud. I will roll there for as long as my master wants me there.
I have hope that there is light and glory beyond this moment. Only I don’t know how long this moment will be. I am making peace with it. Accepting that it is now a part of my life. Wherever and however my story is told, it will ALWAYS include the love of my life dying. And that is something no one can fix.
I miss him so much. We had such a beautiful thing together. Someone told me that they like how my face lights up whenever I talk about him. And that’s the other thing. I can’t stop talking about him. He is the great love of my life and forever will be. Whoever comes after must accept my love and I because nothing will ever come between us, not even death. ♥️