Stay.

In 2016 when I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized for major depression I was supposed to be on holiday in Capetown with my boyfriend. I kept begging my psychiatrist and therapist to let me go on holiday and treat me upon my return. Obviously they refused.

When I was finally discharged and seeing my therapist as an outpatient she made me realize something I had been oblivious to. Whenever I was faced with a difficult situation my first instinct was to run. It didn’t matter where I ran to, just as long as I packed up my bags and escaped the city that brought me pain.

That was in 2016. That year she challenged me to stay. No matter how sucky or tough the situation I was facing was. She challenged me to stay. That December I did not go anywhere. I stayed in Jhb and faced my pain. Surprisingly, I didn’t die. Believe me you, I was surprised.

When my boyfriend died my first instinct again was to run. I wanted to pack my bags and go somewhere, anywhere far away from all that pain. Then I remembered my therapist’s words which he always repeated to me when I felt like running. Stay.

I wondered if I’d survive that. I wanted to take my life 3 days after his passing. I didn’t think I could live with all that pain. But I had a little bit of hope that I could survive. I first thought it was doubt that was keeping me alive. Doubt about my suicide attempt being successful, my therapist said it was hope that I could survive. So I stayed.

Would I ever fall in love again? Would I be fine in the city I met, loved and lost the love of my life in? Would I carry on visiting the places we used to visit together? Would I ever know joy again? What would my life look like without him?

I did not have the answers to all those questions. However I knew I’d know the answers only if I stayed. So I’ve stayed.

It is my curiosity about life after my angel that is keeping me alive. I have so many questions whose answers I have to stay to know. So I’m staying. Staying alive and staying put. The answers to all my many questions will come. But only if I stay. ♥️