Sight beyond what I see

“I always worry about you…”, read the text. I read and deleted it without responding. 19 year old me would have found that comforting if not flattering, but not 30yr old me. Worrying about ANYTHING is a waste of time in my books. I don’t care how big the thing one worries about, worry is useless. It’s like sitting on a rocking chair, keeps you busy but gets you nowhere.

I knew my job was ending, I just didn’t know when. In those first few weeks of intuitively knowing about my impending “doom” I could not stop worrying. I drank, took medication, cried and worried A LOT. Well, until the one thing I was worried about actually happened. Once I got confirmation that the one thing I’d devoted so much time to worrying about was actually going to happen I asked myself what all that worrying had done for me. NOTHING that’s what.

So once I’d handed back my laptop and made peace with my new reality I made a conscious decision that I would not worry. I worried about not having enough money to sustain my life what with COVID hurting an already bleeding economy and consequently the job market. Would I get another job before my savings ran out? Would I still afford my lifestyle? All those were things I thought about but knew very well that worrying would not answer those questions.

I journaled about it and made every effort to always bring myself back to the present moment. I still do that because the present moment is ALL we’ll ever have. I don’t want to spend any second so worried about the next second that I don’t get to enjoy the moment I’m in. It’s hard at first but gets easier with time and practice. I’ve found that with practicing mindfulness, all the time I used to spend worrying is now filled with gratitude.

Gratitude has been a game changer for me. It keeps me focused on all the good that is in the present moment. Lord knows we ALWAYS have something to be grateful for. It doesn’t have to be something grand. I am grateful for the little things that add so much color to my life. Very simple things one wouldn’t notice if they were too focused on the “big” things.

I’ve been journaling about my gratitude cos I’m seeing the dots slowly connect. This year taught me surrender. I’m not as in control as I sometimes fool myself into believing I am, neither are you. I was thinking today of the “sight beyond what I see”. I do a lot of things that don’t always make sense in the moment but feel right to me. I trust my instincts to death. I do things based on instinct and for me my intuition is that “sight beyond what I see”. A knowing that transcends all logic and understanding which is why I don’t even try to reason it out. It rarely ever makes sense in the moment.

I battled with the biggest regret over something I did last year (no one was harmed. lol). I would have recurring dreams of how I could have done things differently to avoid all the pain that came from that. But when I look at my life now, I would not be here had it not been for that pain. See my point. “Sight beyond what I see.” It defied all logic but got me here today. So I have since ditched worrying for surrender and trust in the unseen.

I 100% believe the universe is ALWAYS on my side even when it doesn’t seem or even feel like it. So in times of discomfort I drown myself in “trust the process” messages. In hindsight, everything I thought was the WORST thing to ever happen to me sucked but birthed SO much good for me that I look at the ominous grey cloud and express gratitude for the silver lining instead.

I don’t waste my time worrying about/for my loved ones anymore. It does nothing for them no matter how well meaning it may sound. I’d rather send them messages to uplift them or do something for them that actually solves the problem instead of just worrying.

While I’ve been spending my days at home doing whatever my heart desires I keep reminding myself that my next gig will come when it comes. Worrying will not increase my bank balance, put food on my table, get me a job, win me the lotto etc. It will just waste my time and at best, give me an ulcer. LOL So I really immerse myself in the silly little things I get to do to fill my days. Binge watching a series, reading, writing, listening and dancing to my fav music. I am fully present in everything I do during the day and it brings me joy. Whether I worry or not, whatever will be will be. So why deny myself joy over things I have no control over? I’d rather just enjoy this moment because whether I enjoy or worry life will still unfold how it should.

Honestly, there are a million other things that would be a good use of one’s time than worry. Find something, anything to do or obsess over. Anything but worry. You’ll thank yourself for it. And that inner voice, that inner knowing that tells you to just put your foot in front of the other even if you can barely make out the ground? Trust it. It will NEVER lead you astray.

Life will give us ten thousand reasons to worry and a million reasons to be grateful, you choose what you will invest your time in.