Romance in friendships
September 2019, I’m a month into my new job and I’m part of a “newbies” group on Workplace which is basically made up of three young women who are new to the organization and therefore have lunch together. I know I’ve told my line manager about this group so naturally when a new intern arrives fresh from Canada my boss asks us to have lunch with her. Sure.
She seems quite reserved and wears her sunglasses every time we go for lunch cos I like to sit outside in the sun since the office is FREEZING! I am on an intense gym streak because I’m off all psychiatric meds so exercise is my new drug. I’m even trying to eat clean. I casually mention to the newbies group that I need a gym buddy and this new intern says she’s keen.
I go to gym after work as it’s on my way home anyway so that evening I find out if she can join the gym even though she’s on a short term visa and has no local bank account for the gym to debit. The owner/manager says she can join and they’ll charge it to her credit card. Great! I excitedly tell her the following day that she can join my gym. And like an excited grade 1 student she shows up to the gym early before the 6pm class which I’m a part of.
And so a friendship begins. I have never been to Canada and that was also her first time in South Africa. She’s white, I’m black we know NOTHING about each other except for that we work for the same organization and are now gym buddies. I instinctively just decide I want to be the face of kindness and love to her. I mean, she’s miles away from home and her first office job has landed her all the way in South Africa the last thing I want for her to feel is lonely.
So we spend lots of time together, just talking. We talk about anything and everything. It feels like we’ve known each other our whole lives. On my birthday, much to just about everyone’s shock, she (and not my boyfriend as people expected) takes me out to dinner. I pick the restaurant and for the first time in my life I get to a table with not just the “reserved” sign but my name on it. I am still keeping that paper! We have easily one of my most wonderful birthday dinners, ever.
I am in love with her. Her hugs are the kind that are so warm you feel like ALL of your life’s problems AND the world’s problems have been fixed by that one hug. We spend all our time just TALKING! She spends hours at home cooking because she just loves cooking and occasionally I am treated to her nice food. One thing for sure, my girl LOVES salads! So much that when we had a heritage day potluck at work she brought a salad. LOL I don’t think anyone will ever forget that at work. Hahahah
Anyway, we share our life stories and it seems every time we meet up we just end up talking way late into the night. She does Cross Fit back home so after a month she tells me my gym is shit and quits. She’s secured a friend so no need for the gym anymore. She spends her last month of her gym membership going to the gym alone cos I have bailed on her. I can explain. But we still see each other outside of work.
Sometimes I take her to the gym but we start talking in the car right outside the gym until the gym closes. LOL I think that happened about three or four times. She’s writing her Masters dissertation also while dealing with life and yea, it’s a lot. There are tears sometimes between us. But always, there is warmth.
When I’m hospitalized for surgery she meets me at home that evening with a cooked meal. When I’m hospitalized again and have to watch my diet she makes some really good soup for me the day I come out of hospital. I mean, I have been loved before and I am still loved but NOT LIKE THIS!
One night we go out and I drunkenly propose to her. We’ve been joking about getting married and serving our guests salad so she can get South African citizenship and never have to go back home. She says yes and I make her wear my cheap Lovisa ring which is slightly bigger on her as her engagement ring. So that night we become fiancées.
My boyfriend the party pooper texts to say he’s downstairs because that night he’s our uber so we have to leave impromptu. We run out without paying the bill and she laughs at how terrified I am that we are gonna get caught. LOL Listen, I’m NOT the one to take with to go rob a bank, just FYI.
Anyway, her contract at work is extended by another 3 months and I am so happy I cry. But three months is short maan. COVID breaks out and my darling fiancée whose contract at work has ended but her visa allowed her to stay another month suddenly has to leave. We are obviously both gutted about this. Her family is begging her to come back home. She’s stubborn and doesn’t want to listen. I then have a word with her that she has to go home cos who knows how long she might end up being stuck here for.
She catches literally the last flight out of South Africa to Canada. I was not in the office on her last day at work and neither do I see her on the day she leaves. I had been dreading both days for as long as I’d known her. I want to take her to the airport on her last day but my day is kind of thrown off and when I call her to arrange for me to take her to the airport she doesn’t answer her phone.
So she leaves without us saying goodbye to each other in person. Honestly, I prefer it that way. I would have bawled my eyes out if I had to say goodbye in person. I can’t even imagine myself literally saying goodbye to her at the airport. I do not want to imagine that. I want to imagine she is isolating in her Airbnb in Melville and I will see her again and get one of her awesome hugs once all the lockdowns are over.
She’s back home in Canada now and now there are time zones to be factored in. F’n hell. But I send her poetry books which I get online and have them delivered to her apartment because IS THERE A GREATER LOVE LANGUAGE THAN SOMEONE SENDING YOU A F’N POETRY BOOK?! No,no there isn’t.
I always think back to my therapist’s words every time I think of my fiancée. I mean, I used to complain about my boyfriend not being interested in certain things that set my soul on fire or doing some things I wish he could do for me. NO ONE PERSON CAN BE YOUR EVERYTHING. Yes, I am in a loving, warm romantic relationship with my boyfriend but I also have this ridiculously romantic friendship which meets a very specific need in me. I have my list of needs and they are ALL being met- just by different people.
Today I just wanted to tell you about this, the love of my life. I miss her. I love her and I miss laughing with her until we cry or just talking to her, being held by her, fed by her just totally nurtured by her.
I can never thank my lucky stars enough about our meeting. Wait, she taught me that in Canada they say a lucky person has a horseshoe stuck up their ass. So to the horseshoes in both of us, thank you. Not even in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I had a whole darling in Toronto that took me 28yrs to meet. How magnificent is this life?! Can you imagine all the other possibilities that lie ahead of us that we can’t even imagine right now?!
My god. You’re all invited to our wedding! I am thankful for our meeting and our phone dates. Until we meet again I will keep holding on to the warmth between us. Yes, friendships can totally be very romantic too! I longed for this friendship for a long time I just had no clue my person was in Canada!
May you all live a life where all your deepest desires are fulfilled even if it’s by different people. This friendship takes nothing away from my relationship with my boyfriend and neither does my relationship with my boyfriend take anything away from this friendship. I love them both. Not in the same way, but I love them nonetheless.
My heart is full, and for that and more, I am grateful.
I love you, B! All ways, always.
