Restoration in progress…
6 weeks back my psychiatrist increased my dose of antidepressants because I was having too many days of feeling like I’ve fallen flat on my face. It was only yesterday that I realized that I hadn’t had such days in a while. What?! I’m always surprised when my meds actually do what I got them for. I’m so used to being on struggle mode that when I don’t have to struggle unnecessarily cos my medication is actually doing what it was made for I’m…. shocked?
Anyway, I have been feeling really great lately. Thanks to my meds that have given me back my ability to appreciate the general awesomeness of life. Load shedding frustrated me so much this time around that I bit the the bullet and got an inverter for my house. My levels of happiness have increased significantly since then. I also finally bought another couch and a coffee table for my lounge and all that and my gas heater complete my happiness.
I love my home SO much. It’s my most prized possession and I’m just so frickin’ happy in it hey! I think because I was in boarding school for so long and my parents living in two different countries I just never had that sense of home. I always envied my late boyfriend cos he still lived in the house he grew up in. And now. I get to give myself that?! SO amazing! I’m so happy and so very grateful for it.
Yesterday I submitted by application to join ACCA. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Accounting through my twenties. But something has shifted in me. I want to give it another chance and improve my work life. I have moments of joy when my numbers balance and that’s enough for me to pursue that qualification. I don’t work cos I’m passionate about working. I am very passionate about living comfortably though so all I do work wise is so I can give myself that comfortable life.
I’m SO grateful that NO ONE can lay claim to any of my achievements and that fills me with so much pride and joy. I’m just so happy and grateful for my life right now! I’ve told myself that I’m doing this ACCA thing for my late boyfriend whose faith in me was UNWAVERING. He believed in me even when I didn’t. He told me how my life would get better when I felt stuck deep in the absolute pits. He held my hand through that mess and when he was comfortable that I was out of the woods and confident I’d go on to do even better, he exited this earth.
Ugh. My angel. I think about him A LOT lately. I miss him so much. And I still feel the warmth of his love. He was always right. He never, not even once, doubted my capabilities. I lost faith in myself somewhere along the way but he remained sturdy in his belief in me. I desperately want to give him one beeeeg hug and smooch right to say thank you! But I find comfort in knowing that he doesn’t need me to tell him he was right all along. He ALWAYS knew my life would turn around at some point. He always knew. He believed that even when there was no evidence to support his convictions. He had SO much faith for an atheist.
Ugh. I’m feeling very emotional just thinking of him and his steadfast faith in me. Oh my baby! This one’s for you!!
Anyway, I felt like a massive failure in my twenties. I remember the day I deactivated my old Instagram account at 29. I felt like a massive failure and I couldn’t stand seeing other people’s pictures that pushed me further down that hole of misery. I then just spent all that time 100% focused on my life. Things did start turning around when I turned 30. I could feel the winds of change blowing.
Now 2 months and some change away from 32nd birthday I feel like everything I thought I’d lost in my twenties is coming back to me and it’s even better than I could have imagined!! You guys. My heart is full. I’m so happy. So thankful for the broken road that led me here. The dots are starting to connect now. The useless days are adding up to something.
I thought I’d missed that window to have a “successful” life. My twenties were an absolute shit show. But now at 31 going on 32 I’m realizing that I took the scenic route. What’s meant for me is still meant for me and I’m reminded that life is a marathon not a sprint. I’m not late for anything. I’m right on time for my life. I’m still on my life’s schedule. Not a day early, not a day late. Just right on time! How incredible!! I’m so deeply thankful for where I am in life now and I just thought I’d invite you to share in my joy just as you have so faithfully shared in my pain.
