Remembering love.

I’ve been having a shit couple of days. Every time I’m in a funk like that I remember that my love asked that I cherish our memories. He left me with so many wonderful memories to last me a lifetime. I was struggling to cherish them cos I really just want him back.

Anyway our baby brother called me this morning cos he knew I wasn’t feeling too good. We talked until I started feeling lighter. We kept talking until it was time for me to leave for the hospital. I thanked him for that call which ended with me speaking to him and one of my darling aunts.

I felt warm inside. My angel left me these people. My tribe. The ones who show up for me in my darkest and brightest days. “We are family”, we always remind each other. So we go through things together.

I feel so supported by my family and his. I have two families now who all love me dearly. I feel incredibly lucky to have these two families by my side. My angel really thought just him alone wasn’t enough so he gave me double the joy.

I’m in a space to cherish some memories now. Most of my memories are of my angel just being a teddy bear towards me. I was the last person to see him alive. He came to my house and stayed later than usual. The whole time we were cuddling as if our lives depended on it. I get it now. He did that cos it would literally be our last time cuddling. I was convinced he was trying to crawl into my skin.

I was nearly falling off the bed cos he was holding on so tightly to me and followed me each time I tried to set myself free from his desperate grip. He couldn’t tell me what he was planning to do but he tried his best to make our last time together matter and memorable. He was like a little child following their mommy around the house. Oh my baby.

He could have stayed the night if I knew Monday he’d breathe this last. But he didn’t want me to know that so he went home rather late for a Sunday night but as someone who had work to wake up to the next day. My sweet, sweet angel. Mondays are SO incredibly hard for me now. The first thought that demands my attention on a Monday morning is, “I wonder if he was still alive at this time.” I HATE Mondays.

But. I am remembering love here. My boyfriend really treated me like his spoilt princess til the very end. We loved with reckless abandon as if we would live forever.