One year later…

Today is the first anniversary of my boyfriend’s passing. What a strange thing that even deaths have anniversaries. I wish 26 April could be removed from the calendar so I don’t have to be reminded of what a dreadful day 26 April 2021 was. Anyway, we are here now.

I didn’t realize how much I was dreading this day until yesterday. My body has a way of communicating what it’s going through so clearly with me. I was feeling tense. The same tension I felt when I got the news of his passing. I got into my car and drove to my brother’s place sobbing the whole way. I respect my body for being relentless when it needs attention.

I played with my nieces until I wasn’t even feeling sad anymore. I had just planned to come spend the evening with them then go back home but then my brother made me realize I was better off going through today with them so I spent the night.

Yesterday was the first time I had acknowledged the intense feelings I had about today. I had spent the past two weeks just trying to run from all these feelings. Acknowledging my feelings always rids me of the burden of those emotions. I had the best sleep I’ve had all month on my 4yr old niece’s bed. I refuse to sleep in the guest bedroom when I’m at my brother’s so I always pick one of the girls’ beds.

Today has come and it’s almost gone. And I’m surviving. Just as I have this past year. It’s a weird day cos it’s not the kind of day one celebrates and it’s also not the kind of day one can just ignore. I have acknowledged it and I hope that is enough. I took the day off as I wasn’t sure how I’d feel today.

I’m glad I took the day off. I slept in then went for my 11am appointment with the kinesiologist. Then I went home to get a change of clothes since last night’s sleep over wasn’t planned. I’ve just been lost in the silliness that is my nieces. I’m so thankful for these babies!

I’m feeling so much lighter now. I’ve decided that going forward this isn’t a day I want to place too much value in. It’s a significant day but it’s not special. We had a ball on his birthday and that’s how I want it to be going forward; celebrate his birthday and move on.

One year later, I made it. I survived. I remain hopeful for the future and thankful for the 5yrs I had with the love of my life and the 29yrs of his life.