On letting go….

It hadn’t occurred to me until last week that in accepting Tshego’s passing I *also* need to accept that he’s never coming back. Whew. That was a painful realisation for me. I mean, we all know he’s never coming back but I hadn’t realised that I also had to accept THAT.

Goodness. These past four years I have been trying to make the life I dreamt for us come true without him. In my head if I just kept on trying to build the life we dreamt of he was going to come and join me at some point and we live our happily ever after.

But truth is as far as Tshego and I are concerned, there is no “happily ever after.” Whew that’s a hard one. Whatever happened until 26 April 2021 is all there will ever be of Tshego and I. There is no future to be had together. He will never be my husband. I’ll never be his wife. He will never be River’s co-parent. I will always be a single dog mom for as long as I choose to stay single.

My dogs use a double barrel surname- “Pitse-Ndebele” which is Tshego and I’s respective surnames. In my head he was going to be my dogs’ dad. We were going to be that cool childfree couple that raises dogs together. But truth is all that is just the work of my imagination. Tshego is never gonna raise dogs with me no matter how desperate I am for that.

Ha. I must have written about 10 journal entries now about all the things that will never be now that Tshego is gone. All along I still had this false hope, denial really, about his absence. I have carried on with my life with this hope that someday he will waltz back into my life and it will be like nothing happened. But that will NEVER happen.

I know they say ‘never say never’ but this is the one thing I can say ‘never’ about.

I will never be his wife. He will never be my husband. Hard as I may try I will never be his family’s daughter in law. His family cannot fill Tshego’s role in my life. No one can. Only Tshego could fill the role of Tshego in my life and now that he’s gone to never come back I must give up all the dreams of a future with him. There is no future with him. That future only exists in my mind and it will NEVER come to be.

I’ve had to use this strong language with myself. To understand that never means NEVER.

I could move in with his family and play the makoti role and that still wouldn’t bring him back. I could choose to stay single for the rest of my life and that still wouldn’t bring him back. I could legally change my surname to take up a double barrel surname with his surname and that still wouldn’t bring him back. NOTHING I do or do not do will ever bring him back. He’s just NEVER coming back.

Whew. Cheryl Strayed says, “Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” I understand that quote so much better now cos I have held on for four years and only now do I realise that I have no choice but to let go now.

Whew. That’s so hard. Not only do I have to let go of Tshego I also have to let go of the idea of a future with him. There is no future with him. I realise now in hindsight that I’ve been so resistant to dating again cos I didn’t want someone to take “Tshego’s place” in my life. But not even Tshego is gonna take that space again. If I wait for him I will literally wait for the rest of my life and he still wouldn’t come back.

I think that’s what hit me the hardest, that there is NOTHING I could ever do to bring him back. NOTHING. Ha. Death is so final, goodness.

I’m thankful that I have come to this realisation by myself without anyone putting pressure on me to get here already. I am so thankful also for all of you who have been patient with my process. I am allowed my process. There is no manual for grief. There is no guide that tells me that “now is time to let go!” Nope. I had to get to this point by myself.

I realise now that I’ve resented that guy I tried to date round about this time last year simply cos he wasn’t Tshego. Well, there were other things about him that annoyed me but the biggest for me must have been that he’s not Tshego. I wasn’t ready nor open to a new love then cos I hadn’t let go of Tshego. I was still holding out hope that he would come back. But he isn’t. He never will.

I will never be a makoti in his family. His death certainly made me feel like I was their makoti but that’s just my imagination trying to make me feel better. The person who’d have made me their daughter in law is dead. He can’t marry me from the grave. He can’t be my husband from the after life.

I’ll always be in his girlfriend in this lifetime and never his wife. His death did not make us husband and wife, only marriage could have done that and we will never be married. Sigh. Acceptance has layers like an onion. I feel like this is another layer of acceptance that I have reached. Accepting that certain dreams will never be because they depend on Tshego being alive to come to pass.

He’s never gonna be Mr Ndebele. I always used to joke that if we got married he would take my surname. That will never be. My dogs will never have him and I as their pawrents. I will always be their single mommy. I changed River’s username on instagram to drop the double barrel surname and just be River Ndebele cos that’s actually who he is. “Pitse-Ndebele” belongs to my dreams but it will actually never be.

I am therefore letting go of this 4yr old imaginary life. Tshego is never coming back. There will never be a Pitse-Ndebele family. Acceptance truly is a small, quiet room.

I had such a wonderful experience dating that Pitse boy that I wanna date again. But now I am clear that it is NOT Tshegofatso I will have a love story with. That love story is complete. Nothing can ever be added to it, it also can’t be extended. It is done. If I meet someone new in the future it will be exactly that, someone new.

My therapist was pointing out that just like I was able to find and love River after losing Ry I can meet and love a new person after losing Tshego. Goodness. It’s taken me 4yrs to get to this point. I didn’t even realise this was a point I needed to get to at some point. I’m thankful to be here. Grief is quite a journey and just when I think I’ve made peace there is something else I need to make peace with.

Right now I’m making peace with that Tshego is NEVER coming back. I am free to love someone else cos really I am single SINGLE. I am not a married woman, I am not a makoti and I am not anyone’s daughter in law. I am free to be all of those things with someone new. Yoh I didn’t realise I needed to consciously let go and consciously make room for someone new.

Going forward River will use my surname only cos really he’ll never be Tshego and I’s baby. He’s his mommy’s baby. I am thankful for all the joy I’ve been able to find in this life without Tshego. It once felt impossible that I’d ever be happy again but I am! So much of that happiness has to do with me being a dog mom. I love, LOVE being River’s mommy!

I would love to find someone to raise River with. I didn’t realise to have that I’d have to first let go and therefore make room for it. It’s taken me 4yrs to get here but better late than never, right?