On friendship and love.

2024 has been such a tricky year for friendship. In the beginning of the year I broke up with a friend I’d known since I was 15. Then a few months back I broke up with a friend I have considered my very best friend after Tshego my late boyfriend. And then just recently I had a weird experience with another really close friend which has left me shaken a bit.

That’s three friends in one year. I am the common denominator so surely I must be the problem. You are allowed to think that. I thought the same too for a bit then thought fuck it. Relationships end for a myriad of reasons and I’m not always the reason.

I realised that perhaps I just view life and love differently and that’s what’s causing these differences between me and my friends so I thought to share my philosophy on love and friendship.

Firstly, I don’t believe in forever. Forever is not a thing in my world. If it was, Tshego would still be alive. You get me? Forever is just not a thing in my world. I think often when people meet new people that they love they want it to last forever. I’m not like that.

I’m never trying to keep anyone in my life forever. I don’t think that’s possible. I’ll only have me forever cos I am mine and I belong to myself. Other people don’t belong to me so a forever isn’t even an option. I’m an “let’s have fun while we have each other” type of person.

The difference between a person who believes in forever and I is that I am not afraid of letting go of people. For real. Life is too long to try and forcefully keep people in my life. If I sense the vibes change I’ll be the first to pack my bags and bounce. A forever person would try their hardest to work things out even at their own expense. I am NOT that person.

My love is conditional AF. You get my love as long you meet the conditions of that love. If you start moving mad or fucking up my peace I’m sorry (not sorry) you’ll have to go. No one is more important to me than I am to myself. I will never put anyone’s happiness above my own. If our happiness can’t co-exist, I choose MY happiness.

I don’t try to own the people that I love and call my friends. Love in its purest form must be freeing. I never want anyone to feel like they are being held hostage by me. People must be in my life cos they *choose* to not cos they feel obliged to. I want to be chosen and wanted not kept out of a sense of obligation.

My love is not a possessive love. I don’t want anyone all to myself. What would I do with another human being *all* to myself?! I already have me. There is no room for another whole human. I want pieces of people not every piece of them.

Also no matter how much I love those I love, I will ALWAYS love myself more. I think this isn’t something that’s often said out loud. We try too hard to be good people we pretend it’s honourable to love others more than we love ourselves. I don’t appreciate nor admire self abandonment in service of others. I am the most important person to myself. My love for literally *anyone* will never exceed my love for myself.

I don’t tolerate ill treatment in the name of love cos I love myself. I love myself too damn much! Sometimes people who believe in forever treat others badly while wrongly assuming people will accept their nonsense cos they love them. I’m NOT like that.

I don’t care how close we are or how much I love you. Mistreatment means I must leave. I’m not in the habit of calling things that aren’t love love. “Love does as love does.” Sometimes we mislabel abuse as love.

I had to define love for myself so I would know how to recognise it. For me love is careful thought and consideration of me as a person. I don’t want things to be labeled “oh everyone loves this!” I want to know the thought was “oh Sanele loves this!” not just any random person.

I feel the most love when I can tell that someone has thought of and considered me not just as a black woman, or dog mom, or female but as Sanele.

In the depths of my heartbreak over these friendship break ups I thought I was done making friends. LOOL Not a chance!

If there is anything I believe in with my whole heart it is friendship! Friendship is far more superior to me than romantic love. I value it. I treasure it way more than romantic love. I’m realising that I need to align myself with likeminded people.

I don’t want to be someone’s placeholder while they wait for their Mr/Mrs Right. I want to be enough as a friend. I believe in friendship with all my heart cos in my 33 going on 34yrs alive Tshego was the only profound romantic relationship I had but I have had very significant others as friends since my very first friends Adie and Zie!

I’ve had a best friend for every period of my life except for the 4yrs I was at that Christian boarding school that shall not be named. And I know I didn’t have that kind of experience there cos I didn’t feel 100% psychologically safe there.

I’ve noticed when Sanele is warm and happy and all is well in her world, she will make a close friend! Not just any friend, a deep, romantic friendship. I have truly been blessed enough to experience the life changing power of a good friendship. I believe in friendship with all my heart! I have made it this far in my life cos my friends have carried me here.

So no, I will never stop making friends. They will break my heart and I will break theirs but I will never give up on friendship as a concept. Right now I have two budding friendships that I am nurturing with care.

I love making friends and I want people to experience me not try to own me cos that’s also how I love people. I know I make a great friend cos I give my friends the kind of love most people reserve only for their romantic partners. I’m very intentional about my friendships.

I don’t look to one person to meet all my needs. I have various people meeting my needs. My friends are different cos they meet different needs in my life. I think this may also be the difference between people who believe in forever and I. This forever thinking also comes with the idea that there is ONE person out there who is going to magically meet ALL your needs. That’s unrealistic.

I generally like to keep a couple of close friends cos I have many, many needs which require a couple of people to meet them.

Anyway y’all should read the book “The other significant others” by Rhaina Cohen. That book articulates my love and friendship philosophy really well. As a firm believer in friendship I don’t want one person to meet all my needs. I want a couple of other significant others.

I love love man. I love love in friendship the most! Having a dog truly expanded my idea and understanding of love. Love is love. It is not made special by who or what it comes from. Love is just love and it is made special by the fact it IS love. Not WHO is giving it to us. So you see that the love I get from my dog is no different from the love I got from Tshego or get from my nieces or my friends. Love is love.

I have had some really delicious friendships in my life! How fortunate! I’m not sad that the friendships ended. I’m thankful they ever were for in that moment they provided me exactly what I needed then. If you follow me on instagram you’ll know I live by these words, “it’s the having
not the keeping that is the treasure” from Jack Gilbert’s poem ‘The lost hotels of Paris.” I said that line at my love’s memorial service and I say it each time I enjoy someone.

We don’t have to be friends forever to love each other. Forever is not a prerequisite of love. We can love for 2 days, 100 days, 5 months, a year, 10 years whatever. The length of the time doesn’t matter. It only matters (at least to me) that however long we have each other is the best however long days, weeks, months, years we’ve ever had!

That was really my mantra with my late boyfriend. That I don’t care however long we are together I just care that it is the best time we’ve both ever had. Judging by my love’s final letter to me and how I feel now that he’s no more I can confirm that we had the best 5yrs we’d both ever had! And for me THAT is better than the promise of a forever.

So yea. This is what I think of love and friendship. Don’t try to own people or keep them forever. Just enjoy experiencing them for however long you have together. Also friendships ending doesn’t mean your friends or you are a bad person.

Except for murderers and rapists, I don’t think there are truly bad people. We may be bad *for each other* but that doesn’t make us bad people. Man. Human beings are so much fun to experience if you approach them with genuine interest and curiosity. I don’t wanna lie! I have experienced the most transformative love through my friends.

I remember Thembi from 2016 fondly. I used to call her my sunshine! Man. That love gave me reason to live. I don’t think we’d get along if we met right now cos we were never meant for our 2024 selves just those 2015–2016 selves. If we had forced a forever we’d probably hate each other’s guts by now. Love must never be forced. Love must be allowed to flow you know, like a great yoga sequence.

Oh I really got into yoga this year hey. Yoga has flow. I now seek the same flow in my life. One pose prepares you for the next. It’s a nice sequence, there is flow. Life and love should also be the same. One thing gently and ease-fully leading to the other. Nothing forced. Nothing rushed.

Anyway, I’m excited to get to know these two women I have budding friendships with. I am so grateful for the abundance of love in my life so much that as a little bit spills out a whole lot more is poured back in!