On allowing myself to be cared for.

I was at my boyfriend’s place today. I drove there by myself. I usually have my mom as my passenger but I had a few things to do before going there so she left without me.

I sat in my boyfriend’s aunts’ embrace. I love that they are those kind of people. I am a child with deep emotional needs that my angel man attended to so well. I’ve been mourning the loss of that intimacy a lot. However his aunts are committed to standing in the gap.

As I was about to leave everyone was so worried about me driving back home alone. I didn’t think anything bad would happen but their concern made me panic a little bit. I assured them I’d be fine. As we were walking out my boyfriend’s older brother came out basically demanding to drive me home.

I let him. On the way I asked if he really thought I wouldn’t have been able to drive myself home like everyone thought. He told me, no. However I should allow myself some TLC.

That really struck me. I feel like in my grief I’ve been rejecting help. Feeling like a burden therefore rejecting any form of help. Oh baby. This loss is HUGE. I went to the emergency room today thinking I was having a heart attack. After multiple tests everything came out fine. Baby girl has broken heart syndrome. 💔 My chest literally hurts like I’m having a heart attack. That’s how deep my love for my angel man goes.

So why not allow people to tend to my broken heart? I’m still going to think about this some more. Love didn’t die with my love. There is other love and I need to open myself up to it. I need to allow myself to be taken care of. Ah. The love we shared has outlived him. It feels like a thousand hands around me just screaming, “let us help you.”

Yes, yes. Please. Help me. ❤️