No matter what is true.

Nobody’s going to do your life for you. You have to do it yourself, whether you’re rich or poor, out of money or raking it in, the beneficiary of ridiculous fortune or terrible injustice. And you have to do it no matter what is true. No matter what is hard. No matter what unjust, sad, sucky things befall you. Self-pity is a dead-end road. You make the choice to drive down it. It’s up to you to decide to stay parked there or to turn around and drive out.- Cheryl Strayed

I return to that quote quite a lot especially when I’m in pain as a reminder to myself that I still need to do my life. Nobody’s going to do it for me.

This morning I woke up and journaled. In my entry. I listed all the things that are true, keeping in mind that many things can be true at once. My boyfriend died and my heart is broken as a result, I’m in a beautiful city right by the beach and my soul is being healed by that, I miss my boyfriend, I love him forever and I must move forward. All those things are true for me right now. And I must do my life no matter what is true.

The heartbreak does not give me a pass to stop doing my life. I cannot and will not be frozen in time. I want my life to move forward, I want to live no matter what is true. This sentence is often painful for me to swallow. It’s the plain truth with no frills on it. It humbles me and reminds me that self pity is a dead end road. I do not want to be stuck on a dead end road. I want to move forward. Whatever that looks like right now.

I realize my heart may never stop hurting over the loss of the love of my life. But I can still feel happiness and joy, I can still laugh from my belly, I can still feel grateful to be alive, my sense of wonder can still be set alight, all while my heart is breaking. All of those things can still be true all at once.

I needed this break from my daily life. I needed to get away and come and see the ocean and feel small in front of it to remember that I’ve always loved it for that and more. The ocean understands the size of my pain. It gets it. But it doesn’t stop being itself cos today I’m in pain. So my life must also move forward no matter what is true. I must keep prioritizing my healing, no matter what is true.

I could come up with so many excuses as to why I’m stuck on a dead end road or why I’m frozen in time. But those would just be excuses. Yes, what happened was traumatic to me. It made me feel like I was in a high impact accident. I was in shock and denial for months. But I need to move forward. No matter what is true.

This is the greatest lesson that has come out of my time here. I didn’t set out to come and seek this truth. I’m on a healing journey. Wherever I find myself geographically my healing journey never stops. And this trip has taught me that I need to move forward. However that looks like right now. I need to do it and I need to do it no matter what is true.

Yes, yes all those sucky and beautiful things are true for me right now. I need to move forward. No matter what is true. The truth is sad, heartbreaking with bits of beauty.

No matter what is true. No matter what is hard.

Oh my heart.