My year of realizing things.

It’s only been 17 days of the new year but my head is about explode with realizations. I journal every day without fail now cos I just have SO much to write down! I thought I’d share some of those realizations here today. Here goes, in no particular order.

Photo by Nick Hillier on Unsplash

1. I actually like my job. Not the work itself but the lack of stress. It’s stressful at month end cos of the long hours but even that feels bearable now. I turned 1 at my job on Tuesday last week. I think a year is my magic time at a job. I’d been leaving jobs before turning one or leaving just after turning 1 so I hadn’t been on this other side since my first job. It feels great being here. I battled with a lot of anxiety in the beginning. Right now I feel comfortable that I understand what is going on. This is a lesson for me in patience. I was getting frustrated with myself for not understanding fully the business’ processes. But I get it now and it’s about to make my work life much simpler. I’m grateful for my job cos it affords me my life. I’m thankful I stayed the course even when I was desperate to leave. I think I can safely say it takes round about a year to get comfortable with your knowledge of a business. I’m glad I had people around me who convinced me to stick it through.
2. I’ve entered a new phase of my life. I am welcoming something very foreign to me- STABILITY. That’s my theme/ word for the year btw! I spent my twenties hopping from one job to another, I had bad debt at some point surviving by borrowing from Peter to pay John and so on and so forth, I was not self sufficient, my boyfriend covered 95% of my non-essential costs (everything apart from rent, my car and medical aid) and I was always sick. Now I think I have reasonable debt (car and home), I’ve stayed in one job for a year, I no longer take out loans to survive, my boyfriend is no more so I’m covering 100% of my costs and surviving, I had a wobble with depression cos of grief but I’m out of the woods now. Of late I’m happy, joyful more than I am sad. I do get triggers that remind me that my heart is deeply wounded but I do find the scab that’s trying to form on it so I’m good. I have incredible support! My life feels stable. Such a foreign feeling. I love it here!
3. My singleness is not something to be fixed. I wasted a lot of time last year trying to “fix” my singleness. But I have since realized that this isn’t something to be fixed. I’m not broken cos I’m single. I extend grace to myself here for ever thinking my singleness was something to be fixed. My boyfriend died unexpectedly, I was in shock and there is no guidebook on how to respond to such trauma. My brain has come back to me now and I am choosing to embrace this singleness. There’s still a lot of life to be lived and I’m not letting being single get in the way.
4. I’ve spent a long time wishing I could quit my job to go read and write for a living. Can you believe I don’t want that anymore?! This one was a hard one for me. It’s taken me months to process. Writing is my favorite thing to do in all the world. It’s how I process my thoughts. I love it so much I don’t want it to be what pays my bills. I can detach from my job because it’s just a job to me. And I don’t believe in working all the time so I’m very strict about not working for more than 8hrs a day. I take my full hour for my lunch break. I log off at 5pm. Work should be a part of my life not my life. I maintain strict boundaries in that area. If I wrote for a living I’d need to put in longer hours to make enough money to survive. I value my comfort so I’d still want to live comfortably. Unfortunately not every writer gets to make the big bucks. I’m also not trying to be the best writer that ever lived. I do this cos I love it. I want to still write for the love not for money. It’s nice when I get money for it but I’d hate for that to be my primary source of income. My job pays me enough to live life. I want to still be able to have that while I write like I do now. So no, I am not working on a second book. I may never do. I love writing for ME. It’s my selfish, luxurious hobby and I love that for me. My life is so rich and balanced that I have time for a hobby! Boy does my hobby get time! Same with reading. I read for the sheer pleasure of it.
5. My attitude towards money has changed. I used to spend recklessly. But now I feel like some money education has finally taken root in me. I’ve come to understand and respect money better.
6. I have a good life. I am so content with my life! I’m not striving for more material things. I’ve always known when it’s enough. I have enough right now and that makes my life a really good life. No matter how sad I am I now say I want to live anyway so I can figure my life out. I love life. I love my life. I have a good life as defined by me. I have taken the time to define what a good life looks like to me and I strongly encourage you to do the same. My life is a good life as defined by my list of what makes a good life.
7. Not everything will make sense. I’ve spent every day since the day my boyfriend died trying to make sense of his death. I was trying to answer the “why?”. His death is just one of those things that will never make sense to me. I know he left notes but I have questions only he can answer. Those questions will just never be answered and I have to be “okay” with it. I have to be okay with it not making sense. “Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”- Cheryl Strayed. I think this is acceptance. I’m not saying it’s okay but I’m simply acknowledging that it doesn’t make sense and it never will.