My thirties will be mine to love and to hold…
Everyone talks about the angsty teen. It seems like the norm that all teenagers are angsty. Well, that wasn’t the case with me. I was a good teenager. By good I mean I did not cause my parents any stress beyond me not getting the number of A’s they expected from me. I did well in school, if I wasn’t home you’d find me at Exclusive Books reading books I couldn’t afford. Yes, I have finished books through reading them like that.
On school holidays, while my mom was at work, I’d walk to a mall that was close to her house. I’d pick a book and read until she knocked off and I’d go meet her at home. I’m quite a fast reader which is why I was able to read certain books without paying for them. Now that I think about it I wonder if Exclusive Books considered fast readers like myself when they decided on their “here are some chairs for you to read on in-store”. I’m guessing it was a way to get you to read enough to want to buy the book. Well, a broke student like myself just memorized which page I last read and picked up from there the next day. Anyway, that’s not what I set out to write about.
I wasn’t an angsty teen but my twenties were one long, badly written story of a girl entering the angsty phase way too late in life. I was also angry. Very angry. I hated men, hated my parents, hated every adult in my life, hated everyone basically. I was constantly sharing my rage on my social media platforms about whatever it was I was angry about that day and I never ran out of things to be angry about. I mean, look at *everything*. There are plenty reasons to be mad in life.
I spoke in anger too. To friends (regrettably), ex-boyfriends, store managers (I’m a Karen when it comes to complaining about bad service), former bosses (cringe). You really did not want to mess with me in my twenties. I call myself the daughter of thunder cos that was Jesus’ nickname for the brothers James and John in the Bible. He called them the sons of thunder because “They would not back away from a confrontation. In fact, they might even have looked forward to one. They could be very aggressive. And they also could be very insensitive.” You can read about it here.
If that doesn’t describe myself in my twenties… I was a riot. I lived by this mantra, “the smoke is free for all, catch it if you want”. And boy, I was always on time with the smoke. Anywhere and everywhere. As a child my dad used to tell me to fear no one but respect everyone. I really took that to heart cos I fear no one to this day. Which is why it was easy for me to call out ANYONE on their bs. Whew. You know what? I don’t really regret it. It shaped me into who I am today. It was fun. But do you know what else it was? Exhausting.
I first deactivated my Facebook account cos it contained most of my rage. I felt tired. I didn’t have the energy to delete all my angry posts cos it was basically 89% of all my posts, I think. So I deactivated cos I felt like people had grown to expect that rage of me and I didn’t have any left in me to give. Don’t think my not being on Facebook kept me from letting people catch the smoke. Nope, it carried on elsewhere. In fact I went on to do things I would have never imagined myself doing, all good things, fueled by my rage. I won perhaps the biggest battle of my whole entire life at 29 because of my rage. Talk about leaving the 20s with a bang!
But something happened when I turned 30. I’d heard all the stories about the changes that happen to people when they turn 30 but I thought those were made up to glorify the 30s. But listen, a change happened to me too. I first express that change here. I really just woke up and didn’t feel like fighting ever again. It was my rage that drove me to work at an NGO. However I don’t think you could pay me enough to get into that kind of work now.
In my thirties I am mellow. I feel very mellow. I’m also unbothered, by anything or anyone. I am no longer angry at my parents. I have come to see and understand them as human beings like me. They did the best they could and what I was once mad at was really their best and can you fault anyone for doing their best? No, no, you cannot. So I’m cool with my parents now. Do I still hate men? Not enough to rage about it on the internet. I cringe when I think about the bosses I’ve given my smoke to. I told them the truth no one dared to. Did I have to? No. In my thirties I’m learning that not everyone deserves a piece of my mind or even my opinion on anything.
People used to share stories that would incite anger in me and get me to react cos they knew I liked that kind of shit. Right now though? If you want noise you better make it yourself. I’m nobody’s rage machine. I’ve part ways with those I needed to, sometimes not-so-gracefully but I forgive myself. If I knew better I would have done better. I know better now so I am doing better. My husband’s phone is always on silent, off vibrate. He only returns calls he wants to return and only reads texts he wants to read. I didn’t understand how he could delete texts without reading them until I did it.
Man, I think the best gift my thirties have brought me is just choosing peace. You wanna be snide in my inbox on a phone that I pay for? I will not read your silly message. Honestly. I don’t even explain what I do or don’t do to anyone anymore. I refuse to believe that people don’t know when they are being shady. They know and they want you to deal with them out of shame. Well, I will not. If you wanna be shady go do it far away from me.
I also genuinely no longer care what anyone thinks of me. I gave so much of myself in my twenties trying to get people to see things the way I saw them and therefore understand me. Fuck that. That doesn’t pay my bills or do anything really for me except make me mad. I am now minding the business that pays me. Before I also wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone where and how they had me fucked up. Now? 24hrs is not enough for me to squeeze in that nonsense. Again, people know when they are being shady. Let them live with it not you.
I think in my 30s I’ve drawn a line around me and my business. Anything that seeks to steal my peace and is none of my business is tossed out quickly. People should learn to carry their own baggage. So this is to say, if you come acting all dizzy and entitled of my time, you will be met with … *crickets* LOL, yes, deafening silence because I’ve got things to do okay.
I am spending so much time learning myself, loving myself- really pouring into me to let someone with bad energy ruin all of that for me. I also don’t return calls to people I don’t want to talk to. My time is precious to me. I don’t read messages from people who move funny. I read some but don’t respond if I feel someone is trying to get me to say something I don’t want to say. You will not make me do anything I don’t want to do in my thirties.
I joke to my husband sometimes saying that I wish I was born 30. But you know what, I had to build to this moment. I wouldn’t see it this way or even appreciate it the way I do now if I hadn’t had some years of foolishness. You don’t have to wait until you’re 30 to reach this level of peace. Don’t let people make you their little play thing. The smoke is free for all but now I choose who gets to catch it. You only catch it if I care. I care about very little these days. However I give my all to those and what I care about. I know what’s worth my time and what isn’t. Fortunately for me, most things aren’t. :)
As for me and my house we will revel in the glory of these 30s!
