My feelings are always valid but not always true.

I woke up feeling low and sad today. I’ve been missing my boyfriend a lot lately. I guess that’s expected. We are in April, the month he died. This time last year we were counting down to what would be our last vacation together. We were both so excited for it and we had such a great time. I’ve given myself permission to feel my feelings. It’s better than trying to fight them. So this is where I am today, sad and low.

Whenever I’m sad there’s a part of my brain that’s quick to suggest that perhaps I’d be better off dead. I don’t know if this happens to everyone. I suspect it’s a depression thing. The distance my brain that suffers from depression has to travel to get to that thought must be shorter than what it is for brains without depression. Whenever I start thinking like that I need to slow everything down and walk myself back to the light.

The feeling was growing as I was working this morning. So I started thinking of what I could do to bring myself back to the light. I really don’t know why my brain does that. It’s an ugly space, I hate it but I don’t judge myself for it. So during my lunch break I journaled. I always start by acknowledging my feelings. I stated that I was feeling sad cos I miss my boyfriend who’s never coming back. Then I went on to say that the sadness is making me wish I was dead. I didn’t stop there. I reminded myself that I’m having a bad day not a bad life.

On my best days I want to live a long life. I reminded myself that I love life and that even though I think I’d be better off dead, there’s a big part of me that wants to stay alive. I make it a point to be very honest with myself. I don’t believe in toxic positivity that denies our feelings. One thing I’ve found works for me on days like this is listing the things I love about life. Today on my list was the feeling of being warm in bed, hot showers, the smell of my shower gel, wearing all black clothes, my nieces, smelling nice, wearing earrings, cake. Those are some of the things I’d miss if I died.

I’m very aware of the fact that I’ll only be alive in this body once. There will be no do over. That reminded me of the impermanence of life and as I wrote that my sadness also felt temporary. I was happy to end my journal entry on that note. I then texted my boyfriend’s aunt asking her to come over cos I could do with some company. Then I took a power nap.

Honestly my journey with depression has turned out to be my highest expression of self love. I am gentle with and kind to myself. I don’t berate myself for my feelings. I think I now understand how depression affects my brain and I’ve found ways to live with it. I just woke up from my nap and I had the thought to write this post because writing is definitely one of the things I’d miss if I died. I love it so much.

I’m currently reading Journey of souls. A book that’s making me so happy because it’s affirming my own beliefs about what happens after we die. I’m not saying it is true, I’ve never died so I wouldn’t know. But I have my own beliefs about life after death and I’m always happy to discover stories that affirm those beliefs. I believe our souls continue to exist in another realm. I believe my boyfriend now exists as a soul in that other realm, he just shed off his human body to leave earth. And I believe he is is okay wherever he is.

I believe souls of all our loved ones who’ve left this earth are okay. However I still think there’s just nothing like the human experience! I thinks souls have their own sources of joy and contentment which are different from our sources of joy and contentment on earth. I’m in no rush to experience life as a soul. I quite love being human and having human feelings. The feeling of warmth, love, deep joy, contentment… there’s just nothing like it!

I really, really love being alive. My brain might not always believe it but it helps that I know what is true even when it doesn’t feel like it. I’m feeling much better now. I’m going to take it easy for the rest of the day because that is what I need today.

I’m happy to be alive. I love being alive. I know that is true even when it doesn’t feel like it. :)