Moving on. My second BIG love.

I binge watched all two seasons of Modern love this weekend. I have no regrets. It was the best use of my time!

I really enjoyed the show. It was a visual representation of the beauty and greatness of love! I was so deeply moved by those stories and kudos to the creators of the show for portraying those stories so beautifully!

Every episode moved me so deeply and showed me different faces of love. Love is a force! Love is BIG. Love is all encompassing. Love is gentle. Love is soft. Love cares that you have something to eat. Love thinks you’re the most beautiful person! Love is enthralled by you.

Love wants to always be at peace with you. Love wants to see you happy. Love is expansive. Love can accommodate A LOT. Love can bend. Love can stretch. Love is not rigid. Love grows with you. Love cares about you. Love is always on your side.

Love likes you.

It was episode one of season two that had me BAWLING my eyes out. It felt SO personal. For the first time ever I saw a visual of what moving on WITH and not from my late boyfriend looks like. I thought moving on meant moving on FROM him. And I wanted none of that. Now I know that I can move on WITH him!!

I’ve always known I want to fall in love again. I want a love big enough to embrace my late boyfriend and I. We come together now. We are bound together FOREVER. There is no telling my story without mentioning his name. My story is incomplete without him.

I need a love that understands and respects that. I could articulate it but I couldn’t quite picture it. So when I watched that episode, knowing it’s a true story, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Something came together in me.

I cried cos I saw how BIG love is. I called my boyfriend my BIG love cos his love was big enough to cover all of me. There’s nothing I ever had to hide from him. I never felt like I needed to hide parts of me to be accepted by him. He loved and accepted me as I am. I want that again. But this time it must be big enough to accept him as well. Him and I are one now.

When I saw the visual of exactly that I cried such cathartic tears. I’m not crazy. I am asking for much cos I deserve much. It’s not too much. It’s a BIG love. I believe in BIG love. I believe in love. Real love. Big love. Cos I have experienced it! I consider myself incredibly lucky! And blessed.

What my boyfriend and I shared was magic! I want more of that magic. I want a second BIG love and I am beside myself now that I know IT EXISTS!!

Perhaps at some point I felt like I was asking for too much and low key swore off dating. I swore off dating for this year. But a part of me was wondering if I’d be single for life cos no one could accept boyfriend and I. I mean I have a huge tattoo of his name on my arm. We are one. And then when I least expected it, I saw it on tv! Based on a true story. Oh my heart. 😭😭😭

So yea. I’m putting it out there. I’m in no rush. I’m taking this year to savor my single life. I’d like to stay single all year and just be there for me. I didn’t let the singleness sink in last year. I’m not one to cut corners. I’m taking this year to let it sink in and just focus on other things. Tv being one of them. I didn’t have a tv for SEVEN years! I’m playing catch up. That’s why I finished Modern love in two days. No regrets.

I love love. I’m a firm believer in love! I was SO vulnerable with my boyfriend. So so vulnerable. And he handled my heart with SO much care! That’s the nature of love. 🥺🥺 It wants to protect. It wants to tend to. It wants to take care of. I love all I know about love. I love it so much that I’d say love is the single greatest thing about the human experience. We get to experience THAT!! We are SO lucky!!

Anyway, please watch Modern love so we can discuss it? Love. Man. It’s worth living for. It truly is. The single greatest thing about life. Whew. I am so blown away!! I got to experience THAT?! To witness myself grow with someone. To see love growing with me. To see love growing me. What a gift!

Truly, what a gift!

And now I’m ready to move on. Not from my boyfriend but with him. *sigh of relief* It’s possible. It can be done. What a gift! I get to have a second BIG love cos life is just so abundant and giving! That one episode did SO much for me that I’ve been wondering if I needed to watch the whole show for just that one episode. 🥺🥺 It felt like it was written for me. ♥️




I tell stories about my experience of being alive. Perpetually day dreaming of reading and writing by the beach

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Anything for Love

Sharing your story always seems like a good idea when you start but then as you fingers grace the…

why do i always feel like i’m gonna lose you in a split second?

Why Should You Date A Millionaire in Online Dating Sites?

Distance and Realities

Ladies Is One of the Best New Dating Apps for Lesbian, Queer, Bi & Gay

The 3 most toxic behaviors you let in your life when you’re anxiously attached

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
umzila kawulandelwa

umzila kawulandelwa

I tell stories about my experience of being alive. Perpetually day dreaming of reading and writing by the beach

More from Medium

In You I Trust

Healing from ‘I Love You’

Desire in Words #1

Perspective is Everything