Making sense of loss. The rebirth.

This month marks 5 months since the love of my life died. It will be exactly 5 months on the 26th of this month. I’ll be honest and say time has been super slow! I want to get to the part where I’m healed already. But I have Cheryl Strayed’s words to ground me each time I catch myself wishing time could move faster. “You’re trying to control something that cannot be controlled. There is no fast forward button to get to where you want to be. You can’t leap over the muck puddle of grieving. You have to walk straight through it.” I swear Cheryl has written something for every situation in my life.

I am walking straight through it even though I wish I wasn’t. There’s no way around this. The only way out is through. Almost 5 months in I find myself trying to piece bits of information together to try and make sense of the tragedy that was losing my boyfriend. As previously stated, there are no rules to grieving. There is no wrong or right way of grieving, there is just your way. In this case I’ll speak about my way.

I have a strong feeling my boyfriend is okay in another realm. This doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. I’ve been writing love notes to myself in my journal to remind myself to hold on close whatever helps me heal. Believing that he is okay and he exists in another realm brings me comfort. I can’t see him but I can feel him sometimes more than other times. But I definitely feel his presence in an unexpected way. Sometimes I’ll even say something out loud to him cos his presence feels so heavy around me. That comforts me. I’m never alone. Though I can’t see him he is always there.

My curiosity about death and life after death has been piqued. While previously I didn’t care for the work of psychic mediums I find myself being drawn to it a lot cos I need someone to confirm my convictions. I’ll take anything that lessens the pain even a little bit right now.

I’m going for a kinesiology session next week. I’m really trying anything and everything that promises to make my pain less and bring me closer to my healing. I believe through my healing I’ll be able to set my boyfriend free. I want to set him free. I want to release him out into the universe. I don’t want him constantly torn by my pain. So I want to heal for the both of us.

I am staying open to anything that offers some form of relief without causing any harm. I’m being stretched in ways I never thought possible cos I’m trying to understand what happened and all the ways it affects me. I believe I am being transformed into a new version of myself. I can’t quite make out the full picture of the woman that is being birthed through this process. But I want to offer her my unwavering support and give her as much ease and comfort so she can have a soft landing earth side. There is no way I will remain unchanged by all of this.

I try to pray too but praying has been very hard I won’t lie. Perhaps a part of me feels let down by God that I can’t even bring myself to pray. I know though not to hold myself hostage in my current fragmented state. I’m grateful for whatever it is I’m able to do in a day. I have to offer myself grace and understanding that what I’m going through is not easy at all.

I spend A LOT of time with one of my angel’s aunts. She’s been a real godsend through this loss. She’s never too busy for me. Any moment we get we spend together. It’s a real healing balm for my broken heart. Also I find that most people don’t know how to be around me. It results in a lot of projections on me, insensitive statements being shared, careless words being thrown around. It’s a lot. The thought of seeing people gives me unnecessary anxiety cos I always have to prepare myself to end up managing people’s feelings. It’s a job I didn’t sign up for and I hate it. I’ve had to shut down lots of meet ups cos I’m just not in the right mental space to deal with all of that. I choose me, unapologetically so. Boyfriend’s aunt is my safe space. His brothers are my safe space. My brother is my safe space. Right now I’m all about choosing my safe spaces. I come first to me. I will not be putting anyone’s feelings above my own.

I’ve come to this space where I understand that things only need to make sense to me. I’m trying to heal my pain and nobody else’s. So I’m focusing on the things that heal my heart and silencing external voices. Nothing I do needs to make sense to anyone but me. This happened to me so it belongs to me. I had an encounter with a drunk girl who told me that there’s nothing I could have done to prevent this loss. The girl had never met me, didn’t know anything about me and I didn’t know anything about her either. She said a lot of things that were timely and relevant to me. So I understand that I couldn’t have saved my boyfriend even if I tried. There’s just nothing I could have done.

That leaves me feeling helpless most times. It also makes me scared to meet someone new cos what if death is on their cards and they die and leave me behind again. I don’t think I could survive this a second time. So I have this fear that I may never open myself up to love again cos I’m scared of losing them to death. But the wound is still fresh right now so maybe I’m in no position to be speaking about that.

I am processing a lot of information and sharing bits and pieces of it as I go along. The meaning of death has definitely changed for me in the last 4 months and some change. I think the loss of a loved one really alters our understanding of life and death. I don’t see things the way I did before 26 April. That’s how I know a new version of myself is being birthed. No matter how hard I tried I could never go back to the me before 26 April. That me died with my love and will never, ever come back. All I am now is new to me and to the world. I write to understand this version of myself better.

I have freed myself of all care towards what people think of me and my grieving process. No one is me so no one can dictate to me how I ought to grieve. I’m choosing to be kind to myself by choosing my side. I stand by myself through and through. Choosing anything that makes my pain a little less has been my saving grace and the sole preserver of my sanity.

I love me and I am all for me. This is the rebirth.