Let the pain visit.

Of late I find that I cry over my boyfriend in a different way. The pain cuts deep, I cry it out. Real tears. I cry then I feel relieved afterwards. Like I needed that cry. Since leaving the hospital I promised myself that I would let myself just feel the pain without holding back and just cry when I need to. I was unconsciously trying to run away from the pain.

I broke down again when I first realized that I was desperately trying to run away from the pain. I felt relieved for acknowledging the pain. I felt like I was extending grace and kindness to myself by simply acknowledging my pain. I hate pain. I’m always trying to run from it but it would appear I can’t outrun my feelings. So the pain found me. How humbling it was that all these things I wanted to buy and things I wanted to do were me just seeking to feel something else other than my pain.

I scraped off everything that I wanted to do just to run from my pain from my to-do list. I can’t run away from this. I need to just feel it and find a way to carry it. I won’t lie. I haven’t quite figured out a way but at least now I’m committed to finding it. Also because it’s just so f’n painful I had unconsciously set a deadline for myself for this grief.

But because I broke down at a random moment I was forced to realize that my deadline is unrealistic but also very unkind to myself. That was a traumatic event in my life. I need to give myself time to heal. No pressure, no deadlines. I loved that man with all I am. That’s not something I’m just going to get over. I wanted to spend my whole life with him. He gave me a forever.

Something in me has risen up since I decided to just allow the pain to visit. It hurts but it doesn’t feel like it will kill me.