Leaning into my joy

I have a list of things I call my “shortcuts to joy.” My joy is my priority so I have been learning myself to know the kind of things that bring me joy and hence the list.

In no particular order, these are a few of my shortcuts to my joy. These are things that never fail to bring me joy so should I ever be in need of joy I just do them and voila, joy!! The list: reading, writing (mostly journaling), cuddling with my baby dog, basking in the sun, listening to music, getting a massage, yoga and the beach.

Those are the things that without a doubt bring me joy! Now that I’m not paralysed by anxiety or work stress I have been able to prioritise my joy again and what do you know, I actually feel joyful!!

When the year started I had these career goals which felt like only their attainment would bring me joy. I want more money (who doesn’t?) and I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t be happy until I got a raise. At some point it really felt like I would never know joy until I had more money coming into my bank account.

But then I started reflecting on how I got quite a significant raise getting into my current job and why didn’t THAT bring me joy?! Whew. I make it a habit to tell myself the truth ok. That was such a difficult truth to live with. If money was really what would bring me joy why wasn’t my current salary bringing me joy then cos it was definitely higher than what I used to earn at my old job.

So I whispered to myself that I may have been lying to myself hey. That was so difficult to accept. But truth is not friendly anyway. Truth doesn’t prioritise my feelings over itself. I got the truth I needed.

I decided to start taking shortcuts to my joy more often. I started reading more, moving my body more (yoga), spending *quality* time with River (I love this little doggy SO much!!), going to my late boyfriend’s house to bask in the sun more. My late boyfriend’s house has my favourite garden in the history of gardens. I now call it my son and I’s park.

We go with our picnic blanket, snacks, water and a fully charged phone so I can listen to my audiobook. It makes me feel as good as going to the beach does! I have been genuinely feeling a lot more joyful as a result.

I have been feeling this joy consistently for almost two months now but I have also been trying hard to suppress it. I think a part of me is now scared of this kind of joy cos I felt just as joyful just before my boyfriend died. A part of me now fears that deep joy like this is a prelude to deep sorrow.

I am scared of joy. I love joy but it triggers me. However I believe what Kahlil Gibran says about joy and sorrow. Joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. Where there is joy there is sorrow.

I fear leaning into my joy cos I am scared sorrow will find me. But where joy is, so is sorrow. They go together. They are inseparable. “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked… The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” -Kahlil Gibran

I felt so much sorrow when my boyfriend died. I have never known such pain in my life. But that same pain carved out a deeper crevasse for joy in me. Perhaps I am feeling this joy so deeply because my capacity for joy was widened by my grief?

Anyway thinking about this post reminded me of Mary Oliver’s words about joy not being a crumb.

“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happened better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb. (Don’t Hesitate)”
― Mary Oliver

I should not be afraid of this joy’s plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb! Oh my heart. I can attest to that.

I feel so joyful and I am so thankful that my joy is so accessible to me!