If you are reading this, YOU are the coward.

I am writing this on behalf of everyone who has lost their life to suicide and those of us who have come waaaaay too close to taking our own lifes.

Every time a story breaks that someone died by suicide there are always people calling the deceased a coward because to them suicide is cowardice. Dear reader, if you’ve ever called someone who died by suicide a coward I’m here to tell you that well actually, YOU are the coward.

I was part of the iPhone cult when I was in my own hell with depression. The super smart phone backs things up on iCloud(I’ll get back to this). There was a time my iPhone had no Passcode. I would post on Facebook often that “It won’t matter, it won’t matter…” and add hearts and stars to it. I presume no one ever understood what that meant. But I’ll let you in on a secret. I was plotting suicide so to me that was SUCH a happy thought that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that was stressing me out then would not matter….once I was dead.

Back to the iPhone. The reason why it had no Passcode was because I wrote most of my suicide notes in the notes app. So I was ensuring that once my lifeless body was found, so would my suicide notes. Anyway, my boyfriend got me a Samsung to replace my iPhone when I lost it in September 2016. I used that phone until June 2019 when I decided I was done with the android life. I wanted to go back to the iPhone cult.

And so I returned to the cult. I set up my phone, entered my apple ID and everything and because, iCloud. ALL my backed up stuff was downloaded onto my brand new iPhone. And guess what, part of that stuff were my suicide notes. My god. I couldn’t bring myself to read them. I just couldn’t. So I deleted them all. But I know I didn’t just write these notes on my phone, I also wrote in physical notebooks I kept by my bedside. I do remember one note in particular in which I wrote messages for every individual member of my immediate family basically assuring them that there was NOTHING they could have done to save me. NOTHING.

I have not touched any of those notebooks. I still cannot bring myself to open them because I do not recognize that person anymore. Depression had completely ravished my brain. No healthy brain just wants to die. Yes, life is hard but we never just randomly think “ah, today would be a good day to take my own life” because our brains can cope with the shit life throws at us.

But sometimes when stuff starts going wrong in your brain THAT’S when suicide literally seems/feels like the ONLY option. I am lucky(?) I had a good clinical psychologist and psychiatrist who picked it up when I was ready to bounce and jumped right in to save me. That shock therapy I had? It was because I had made up my mind, had a plan in place and was happy I could just end it all once and for all. My god. THAT was such a happy thought for me! SO SO happy. It’s weird how I do feel that joy I had each time I’d remind myself that it really wouldn’t matter anymore. Whatever that “it” was.

I think people think once you take poison, an overdose of meds or hang yourself you die immediately. LOL. You’re wrong. Yes, eventually you die. EVENTUALLY. Naturally if you are struggling to breathe you will find yourself fighting for air. Which means when in any threat or danger that could possibly lead to our own death our brains immediately send signals to the whole body to FIGHT to stay alive. But sometimes the brain loses that battle and so people die.

So yea, tell me again how suicide is the easy way out? I had tons of suicide notes. Tons. But I did not have enough courage to go through with my plan. So guess what? It took LOTS of courage for people who chose suicide to go through with it successfully. I do low-key envy the dead because literally NOTHING matters to them anymore now. NOTHING. They FINALLY found the peace they could not get while alive. Finally.

Suicide in itself is not actually a desire to be dead. For some it’s just a need for some quiet/peace within. They try lots of things and none of them work until suicide seems/feels like the ONLY way out.

My god. I wish you would all understand how much courage that actually takes.

So if you’re still here, stressed like all of us. My friend, YOU are the coward. Not that guy/girl/child/friend/neighbor/whoever who took their own life. Could they have been saved? Maybe AND maybe not. But that is not even our business. Once they are gone they are gone. Was it selfish? NO. It had NOTHING to do with anyone but them. But one thing I KNOW FOR SURE?

IT. TOOK. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. A. LOT. OF. COURAGE.

I hope they are all resting in perfect peace now. Love and light to all of them. Thank you for sharing your lives with us and I honor your courage. ❤