I wish there was a formula for this.

The one thing I’ve been secretly dreading has happened to me. Having someone who’s also lost a partner being referred to me. I’m not an expert on loss. I don’t have all the answers. I haven’t been losing partners all my life. It’s happened once too many times. Even then I am not an expert on grief. I don’t think one can be an expert on grief cos grief is different each time it visits. Talk about the queen of reinventing herself.

I feel like even if the losses are the same on the surface, they are different underneath because of the difference in the nature of our relationships with our partners and our differences as people. Grief is unique to all of us. So I’m writing this in the hopes people read it before referring people to me. I want to try and explain how unique grief is. I also tried to reach out to people who’d lost their partners and honestly that didn’t do much for me. There’s no formula. There’s no guideline. It’s a playground with no rules, no referee whatsoever. It’s just you and grief and you have to figure out for yourself what you will do with it.

I’ve always loved words. So I’m processing my grief through reading and writing. When my boyfriend lost his boss and was grieving I asked him if he found any comfort in words like I did and he said no, he didn’t. So I’m aware that words won’t work for everyone in the way they work for me. I have read and written more since my partner died than I did all of last year. It keeps me sane, it helps me make sense of the unthinkable and other writers lend me their words when mine fail me. It makes sense to me cos I’ve always made sense of my life and the world through reading and writing.

I’ve also basically had my therapist on speed dial. That isn’t something everyone has access to and some people don’t believe in therapy. I believe in therapy and I know without a shadow of doubt it has helped me stay alive. I also consult with my psychiatrist who’s played around with my medication to help me get some sleep and manage my anxiety. The loss of the love of my life brought me insomnia and regular panic attacks.

I couldn’t handle my new, bitter reality for the longest time and my dearest friend, my mind, in choosing to protect me; was processing my grief in my dreams while I slept at night. Apparently it’s a thing. It happened to me so it is a thing. I would be composed during the day then while I slept my dreams would process what had just happened. I couldn’t fight my subconscious mind in my sleep so with all my defences down it brought forward all I couldn’t deal with in my waking hours.

I was in denial for a long time. My dreams showed me that. I dreamt of my boyfriend every day. Telling him that I thought he died or I had a dream he died so I would keep him close to me so he wouldn’t escape me. Then I’d wake up. That hurt a lot. The dreams have slowed down now. Now when I dream of him I know he is dead. Perhaps this is acceptance. I have managed to swallow that awfully hard pill to swallow. He is never coming back.

I am trying to move forward now however that looks like now, “no matter what is true and no matter what is hard”. None of this is easy. I’d give everything to not have to go through this. But I’m here now.

I’ve stayed close to his family. Many disagree with this and that’s okay cos they are not me. When I’m with his family I don’t have to apologize or feel self conscious about speaking about him a lot. There’s no expectation for me to “just get over this already”. I know I’ll never bore them with my stories about him. I choose to be with them. We comfort each other in our shared loss. I love them dearly and I don’t think my healing has to be apart from them. I am choosing to make them a part of my healing as I am a part of theirs.

I’m so sorry to everyone who’s lost a loved one. I wish there was a formula or guideline I could print a million copies of and give out to help you through the most difficult time. I have searched for all that. There isn’t anything like that. You map your way as you go. There are no rules. No guideline. No formula. You do what feels right to you in the moment. That can also change with time and that’s okay.

Grieve in a way that is true to you and you feel honors the memory of your loved one in the best way possible. Fortunately there’s no wrong or right way of doing any of that. You decide how you will do it and that automatically makes it the best way.

It does get better with time. It doesn’t feel like it at first. Unfortunately time has to pass for you to see it. So hang in there. It will get better.