I carry your heart with me. ❤️

Just before I slept last night I sent my boyfriend E.E Cummings’ ‘I carry your heart with me’ poem. I’ve always loved it but I’ve never resonated so much with it like I do now. 5yrs with someone is no joke. I really feel like I carry my boyfriend’s heart with me so that poem really made me feel very mushy.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

There’s something about our relationship that makes me feel like I am under the microscope showing both my great and not so great traits, magnified. For example, I used to lash out at my boyfriend for canceling appointments with me. Only to learn that I had serious abandonment issues which played out in such instances. Understanding my problem helped me seek help for it and how to handle it each time its triggered.

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Abandonment issues also meant that I wasn’t entirely honest in my relationship scared I’d tell the truth about my feelings and my boyfriend would leave me. I was holding myself emotionally hostage. Again I dared to do the courageous thing of being honest about my feelings and my boyfriend responded in such a reassuring way for me that now I feel safe speaking openly and honestly about my feelings.

I don’t fear upsetting my love by telling him that I’m upset. He listens, acknowledges what I’m saying and reaffirms me. That has done so much for my confidence and feelings of (psychological) safety in this relationship. It feels unreal sometimes but I’d like to believe this is how a healthy relationship should be.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

Sometimes I’ll share my anxieties or certain insecurities I have with him. He’s a very good listener who’s pointed out to me that I process my thoughts ‘out loud’. I don’t know how I ever lived without that space to process my raw thoughts out loud. It brings me so much clarity.

My boyfriend genuinely cares about me and that’s something I never have to wonder about. He’s not as verbally expressive as I am but he shows me every single day that he sees me, loves me, supports my very breath and cares deeply about me.

I count myself lucky to have found a love so warm and so wholesome. Even when I’m mad at him I have no doubt about our love. I simply communicate it to him and we resolve it. I used to think a break up was the solution to any and every conflict. Until I learnt that love and conflict can very well exist and for that I am grateful. It has taught me to always remember my boyfriend and I are on each other’s side so it makes dealing with conflict much easier.

I feel safe. So very safe in this love. I am taken care of in ways even I couldn’t imagine possible. We really work well as a team and I love that for us. I honestly include this relationship in most of my gratitude lists. I don’t know how we both got so lucky but I’m glad and thankful we did!

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love him so dearly and I hope life grants us a long time together. ❤️