How God found me.

I’ve found myself listening to sermons a lot lately. I’m enjoying them and they are doing my soul so much good. I was just listening to one now and marvelling at how this is me now.

Friday evening I’m on my couch listening to a sermon. How things change!

Well. I don’t think they did so much as change but simply go back to how they’d always been.

I’ve always had great faith. However I think my faith was knocked when Daffy died in 2016. It just didn’t make sense for a supposed God to allow Daffy of all people to die. That truly broke me. Daffy’s death is what led me to being hospitalised for major depression. I was already depressed but his sudden passing pushed me over the edge.

I tried to go back to church and God but it was just never the same after that.

And then as if that wasn’t enough. THE love of my life died. My goodness. That was the final straw for me with God.

I didn’t realise at the time that I had canceled God as I was never fully conscious of it. The pain of losing Tshego was worse than any pain I’d ever imagined. I couldn’t imagine that a God who claimed to love me would allow so much pain on my little heart.

I was devastated. So devastated that I just stopped talking. I stopped talking to the people in my life and I stopped talking to God. I was literally stunned into silence. My insides were frozen. I was just frozen.

And then in September last year I began a one on one coaching journey with a coach that came highly recommended for her money course. I thought I had a problem handling money and I needed to take a closer look at my relationship with money that’s why I took up that course.

After each session I got an assignment. I love assignments! I just enjoy introspective writing. Anyway the very first assignment turned out to be about money but not about money for me.

Yes, the questions were examining my relationship with money but I felt like on a deeper level they were examining my relationship with God. I was so shook! Only then did I realise how I had been actively running from God.

I was refusing to talk to him about my pain. I just ran from him and refused to open up to him about just hurt I was by my angel’s passing. I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore. If he could allow that what else would he allow.

But that first assignment of Jade’s “Prosperity principle” course changed my life. I spoke to God about my pain for the first time that day and I just knew that the course would be about more than just money for me.

And that’s how God and I started talking again. I don’t like being told why something works. I like figuring that out for myself. I want to experience it working in my life to believe it.

And I have experienced the power of prayer and God in my life. I don’t think God caused Daffy‘s and my angel’s passing. “Not everything is God inspired but everything can be God used.” I’ll never know why those two deaths happened. Well, my boyfriend left notes so I kinda know. But Daffy. I’ll never know.

However now I no longer seek to know why they happened. It’s life. Life happens. But I trust that as soon as they happened they became tools in God’s hands and he used them for good.

I feel so spiritually aligned right now it feels really good! I am witnessing some of my prayers being answered in real time. I am no longer looking to the prayers of my grandmother or my mother to save me. I am praying for myself and it feels good to know I matter just as much to God.

I will not be blessed only if my grandmother or my mother is praying for me. My own prayers are being heard and I matter to God.

Also I love that to God I matter as a single, childfree woman. I often feel like society makes women get qualifiers for our worth. God doesn’t need to all that. He loves me cos I am me. He made me. I am his.

Of late my favourite phrase has been, “From God we came, to God we shall return.” I like that a lot. It speaks of wholeness, completeness to me. We will all go back to where we came from.

Daffy, Tshego and my baby dog Ry are with God now. That thought comforts me a lot.

So yea. This is where I’m at of late. I just thought to share this so y’all don’t assume I’m being facetious when I share sermons I’m listening to.