How are you?

I was feeling low yesterday so I hung out with my love’s aunt who’s also my favorite person. We binge watched a series we both like and I went to bed early. There are things I do that tell me that I’m in a better headspace and that’s showering before work, making my bed and opening my windows and curtains. I’d like to think I’ve become predictable over the years. You can tell how I’m feeling based on what I’m wearing, whether I showered before work or not, whether my bed is made or not. I neglect those things when I’m not feeling okay.

I really thought I was doing great today. Until my boss called. She say hi and asked how I am. I paused when she asked that and she thought I didn’t hear her so she repeated the question. I broke down as I tried to answer that cos for the first time I had to pause and think of how I am. I hate being asked how I am cos half the time people don’t really care how I am. My boss is one person I feel genuinely cares how I am when she asks. So I told her that I’m feeling better today than I did yesterday and reminded her that April is the month my love passed on.

I won’t lie. The tears caught me by surprise. It made me wonder just how much energy I was expending trying to be okay. April is a month that changed my whole life. It is expected that it will throw me off and that’s okay. I must have gotten caught up trying to philosophize my grief that I forgot to just be. Yes, I understand that there’s nothing I could have done to save my boyfriend. I also wholeheartedly believe he’s okay wherever he is but none of that takes away from the pain of him dying and I have to remind myself at this point that all that can be true at once.

I was supposed to go on a solo road trip on Thursday. I’ve postponed the trip. When I booked the trip I was in a happy space so I couldn’t imagine that I’d be feeling this way now. I like to think I’m a level above being human, that April can come and go without affecting me in any way. Oh baby. I don’t have to be strong. I journaled a note to myself to remind myself that I don’t owe anyone strength, not even myself.

So I’m taking everything even slower. I need space and time to feel my feelings and stay present in my body as I go through the toughest month of my life. I don’t know if I’ll always feel this way every April and right now that doesn’t matter. I’m in April of 2022 so I will be in April of 2022.