Grief and offering support. A guide of sorts.

In the wake of my boyfriend’s sudden death I’m witnessing quite a strange side of humanity. My therapist pointed out that my whole life I’ve never lost someone this close to me. When my grandparents passed away I was affected but no one was paying their respects to me. All that was reserved for my parents.

But now that I’ve relocated to planet “my partner died” everyone still on planet earth is paying their respects to me. I didn’t know why I was feeling SO overwhelmed until my therapist pointed it out this morning. People aren’t coming to see my parents or my brother, they are coming to see ME and pay their respects TO ME. What an awkward position my boyfriend has put me in.

I want to rant but I’ve been told everything is coming from a good place. I don’t believe that but benefit of the doubt and so on and so forth. I figured that perhaps people aren’t aware of where they are getting it wrong so I’m writing this to save relationships.

Firstly, if someone tells you a loved one died you do NOT ask what happened. I get it, you’re confused or whatever but the point isn’t how they died but the fact that they are dead. Knowing what caused the death won’t bring them back. Save that question for yourself and your bedtime. Think about it as much as you like but don’t ask the bereaved such. I beg.

Secondly, don’t go see the bereaved to make yourself feel better. It’s not about you. Ask yourself why you feel the desperate need to see them. If it is to make yourself feel better just send a text. Don’t call. I personally do not have the capacity for phone calls right now.

Thirdly, don’t ask how the bereaved is. Read the room. How do you think they are dealing with such a tremendous loss? When in doubt, keep quiet. I promise silence is muuuch better than asking/saying the wrong thing. You can’t take words back.

Don’t post your condolences on social media. There are some people who never even knew anything about my boyfriend but his name that have been posting (for me?). It’s tacky. It’s bizarre and it screams attention seeking. My grief is very real because of the love we shared so it rubs me up the wrong way when people who don’t even know me like THAT (let alone my angel man) post such things.

If you just want to satisfy your curiosity you’re ruthless.

I’m thankful that my own power to choose how I grieve has been revealed to me. I will not let people get away with trash behavior in the name of “politeness”. I don’t owe anyone politeness or anything really.

Your good thoughts and well wishes are deeply appreciated but again, when in doubt, choose silence. It’s really okay to not know what to say. Even I don’t know what to say. 🌻