Grappling with uncertainty is grappling with life itself.
I remember sitting on my therapist’s couch. Clenched jaw, tight muscles, runny tummy, feeling hot cos that’s how anxiety is. I was terribly anxious about the situation that was playing out in my life. I felt so out of control, spiraling under the weight of the uncertainty that was hanging over my head.
I eventually went to see my psychiatrist for a life jacket- medication. I could not cope with all that anxiety. We talked for a while until I paused and said to him, “wait. I am anxious about all this uncertainty but what in life is certain?” He chuckled and said, “nothing”. “So, I am anxious about life itself right now?” He smiled.
I’m a part time woo woo girl. When in doubt I’ve been known to seek affirmation in “weird” places. A pattern my therapist picked up and one I’m actively working to stop. I occasionally look up my horoscope, I read what astrologers predict will happen in my life, I have been to a tarot card reader, I pray… I seek affirmation (ahem. read as certainty) like it’s my crack.
On Sunday I gave myself a time out and I thought to myself, how come NO ONE could predict this world pandemic that brought the whole world to a complete stand still? I had been reading my horoscope, praying, the works and still NO ONE warned me, us of what was about to come?! I burst out laughing. We are obsessed with control as human beings aren’t we?
I laughed but also felt very humbled. We walk this earth with egos too inflated the universe can’t help but be amused by us. If we are so in control, have EVERYTHING figured out why couldn’t we see this coming?! In that instant I realized I had inadvertently learnt the art of surrender without realizing.
2020 flipped all our lives upside down. Completely obliterated our definition of normal, forced us to stop and take a hard look at ourselves. We are NOT gods. If we were, we would have foreseen this pandemic and put in place measures to prevent it from being a pandemic. But we couldn’t because even in our education, wisdom and knowledge we are still very limited. Sit with that for a moment. Even in ALL our knowing there are limits to what we can know or see.
Listen, personally I’ve decided to throw off all my sources of affirmation in times of uncertainty. Life works on its schedule I am not and will never be privy to. Vision board gang, I hope you’re doing alright. Yes, “we can create our future”, “we can plan/prepare for success”, “we can manifest”, and so on and so forth but in all honesty, we have ZERO control over life.
Life is an ocean in my head and instead of trying to grab hold of the water (seeking certainty) I’ve decided to surrender myself to the water, relax and float. The water has carried me here. Only it knows where it will take me next. No amount of studying the planets and stars, bone throwing, tarot card reading and/or praying can predict where this water will take me next. Personally? I am ready for the surprise. In another realm beyond our little egos nothing is either good or bad. Things just are. Wherever this water takes me, I vow to not seek to define it as good or bad but to accept it as just being.
NOTHING in life is guaranteed. NOTHING. If you’re in any doubt right now, here is your sign. Take the leap. This water is in constant motion, sometimes slow, still and quiet other times wild but it’s the same water nonetheless. Trust yourself to it. The worst case scenario is you die because “the only thing that cannot be fixed in life is death”. But then again when you’re dead nothing will matter to you so is there even a worst case scenario?
Live. NOTHING is guaranteed. Even those BEST laid plans of yours aren’t guaranteed. Release your white knuckled grip on life. It’s just water. You cannot grab hold of water. Relax. And float.
