Granny ❤️

I mentioned in my previous post that I’m currently in Tofo, Mozambique with my late boyfriend’s family and two of my friends.

I got here Friday evening with my two friends and boyfriend’s younger brother. We had a looong but nice road trip to this place.

Yesterday I woke up earlier than usual to get ready for the scattering and also I was holding my breath cos I had arranged everything by phone and wasn’t sure if things would go as smoothly as I hoped they would.

We needed a boat to go out to sea cos you can’t scatter human ashes by the beach. They need to be scattered deep in the waters with active currents so they are carried away by the water.

Yea all that I had to figure out and arrange by phone. Shout out to the internet that was my guide the whole way. 🤣🤣 After the scattering we went to have lunch where my boyfriend and I had celebrated Valentine’s Day in 2019. Full circle moment. It was lovely.

I was exhausted from the travel and also waking up early today so I knew today would be the first day of my real vacation and I could relax with a book.

Boyfriend’s baby brother wanted to go quad biking today so I thought to go spend the day with their granny since she’d be alone when he went quad biking.

Listen. I feel healed by this afternoon.

Granny is granny. An old woman in South Africa. By virtue of her being African I expect a certain level of strictness from her. That’s the role of African parents. To be strict. She was strict with my angel and his brothers while she raised them.

Going on that I wasn’t sure what to expect from her when my angel passed. I always told Tshego that I was scared of one of us dying before we were married.

African culture basically doesn’t acknowledge boyfriends and girlfriends. A romantic partner is invisible until they are a husband or wife. I loved Tshego so much and I didn’t even want to imagine a world in which I couldn’t grieve his loss with his family or one in which he couldn’t grieve my loss with my family.

I primarily wanted us to get married for that protection upon the death of one of us. Our decision to get married had nothing to do with love. We loved each other and didn’t need marriage to prove that. We were getting married for the legal protection it offered us in the event of one of us passing away.

But obviously I thought that would be many, many years away.

By now we all know the unthinkable did happen and he died before we were married. My god. I was terrified. Would I be shunned by his family to grieve alone simply cos we were not married?

Turns out I had absolutely no reason to worry. Absolutely none at all.

His family opened up their home and hearts to me from that very day of his passing. I remember on that day of his passing in the evening I went to his home and the whole family gathered in the lounge to listen to what I had to say.

I was given an opportunity to speak at his memorial service as his girlfriend. I was included in the family-only cremation service and I am here again now in Mozambique for the scattering of said ashes.

This family could have very well just said “in our culture if you are not married we can’t include you” and I would have been devastated but I would have understood. My culture is also like that.

But no. The love granny, the brothers and the aunts had for Tshego was a culture bending love therefore culture could be bent to squeeze me in.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine myself on holiday with my boyfriend’s granny. Never ever.

Also I remember in the days after his passing I’d go to their house every day just to be with them and carry our shared loss together. About 4 days in granny asked me to start wearing dresses and skirts instead of the usual pants I’d show up in. See, culture. She really could have used this same culture to keep me out. But she didn’t.

My mind is just so blown by this. Most old people I know are very conservative and they cannot be convinced otherwise. So really, I would have understood if she also wanted to preserve culture by not acknowledging her grandson’s girlfriend cos we were not married.

For this trip to Mozambique, my boyfriend explicitly asked that I be given the ashes to bring them here. Granny could have overridden that in her authority as the grandmother and family matriarch but she didn’t.

This truly humbles me. When we are back in Johannesburg she complains that I wear clothes that are too short. She’d even tease me and say I’m wearing a bikini when I’m wearing shorts.

But today I was really wearing a swimsuit and shorts and it was good. Man.

I think about Christians who use their religion to hate homosexuals. Apparently their religion says they must hate gay people. Granny could have also used culture to hate me. But no. Her love is culture bending as any great love should be.

I don’t even think it was love for me in the beginning cos she hardly knew me. It was love for her grandson that fell on me by association. What grace!!

This holiday and everything that has happened since my boyfriend died will forever be etched in my memory. I am so lucky. So blessed and so thankful.

It’s still so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of this grace in my life. I am so very grateful.

I never could have imagined a day like this in which Tshego’s girlfriend not wife and his grandmother would spend the afternoon together in Mozambique. What a stunning afternoon!

I am so grateful for this rule bending, earth shattering love. May our love forever put people above rules. ❤️