Giving mom a break to just be.

We have been taught to wish for it, but the wish to be understood may be our most vengeful demand, may be the way we hang on, as adults , to our grudge against our mothers; the way we never let our mothers off the hook for their not meeting our every need. Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be our most violent form of nostalgia.- Adam Phillips

The first time I saw that quote I paused and googled Adam Phillips hoping to find the whole article that quote was from. Turns out it’s from one of his books which I’ve ordered. I was so taken aback by that quote because of this part, “… our grudge against our mothers; the way we never let our mothers off the hook for their not meeting our every need.”

That really struck me because that was the first time I’d read about that. I had been secretly processing my own resentment towards my mother for how she raised me but really I just resented her for failing to meet my every need. I went to therapy to share my resentment with my therapist so she could tell me I was right, my resentment was valid.

I went on about how my mom was a submissive wife and how that enraged me because why must a human being submit to another. I accused her of failing to be my example of shiny womanhood. I went on about everything else I resented her for. When I was done talking my therapist pointed out that my feminism had made me the complete opposite of my mother.

She went on to explain to me the times in which my mom grew up in. In her time, marriage was an achievement. Women who got married and became mothers were the role models. They took pride in being submissive wives and letting the man be THE man. It was up to them to preserve their marriages. Divorce was seen as a sign of failure.

I am a feminist. I am not a wife and neither am I a mother. I have a strong sense of self. I have not “lost myself” in the roles of being a wife and/or a mother. I want my mom to stand up for herself. To ask for more out of life. I want her to submit to herself. I want her to walk out when she’s being ill treated. My assumption is she’s not happy with her life.

My therapist went on to say that in my assumptions, I was also assuming that I was right and my mom wrong.

Hang on.

I whispered, “arrogant assumption”.

Can I tell you how humbling it was to realize I was being arrogant in my assumptions. My therapist asked how I knew for sure that my mom wasn’t happy with her life. How I knew that she didn’t feel like she’d been a great role model to me. She has been married for 36yrs, she never broke her marriage. She raised all of us her kids. She had a good job and retired gracefully. What if that was her definition of success.

Wow. My therapist knows how to tell me to get over myself. The thought that I could be wrong was so humbling that I’ve been thinking about that one thing all week. I was mad at my mother for failing to meet my EVERY need. I like cuddles and talking about feelings. My mom doesn’t. I resented her for not giving me all the cuddles I needed and not giving me a chance to talk about my feelings. But my boyfriend gave me everything I always felt like my mom deprived me of. So my needs WERE being met, just not by mom.

And there it is. The grudge against my mother that Adam Phillips talks about. My mom is only one person. Even she cannot be my everything. I felt like I had judgement reserved for her only for failing to be my everything. I realized how ridiculous that sounded and I wept with regret for ever resenting my mom for just being herself.

I know how to identify my needs. I prioritize my needs. I am happiest when my needs are being met. They are always met, just by different people. Why couldn’t I extend that grace to my mother? To let her just be herself and meet some of my needs like everyone else does and then let others meet the rest?

Since that incredibly humbling conversation with myself I have forgiven my mother for being human. I have reduced my expectations of her and opened myself up to having my needs met by other people who are not my mom. She cannot be my everything.

I went for a walk with my aunt who is a year older than my mom. I consciously told myself that I was opening myself up to having my aunt meet some of the needs I had selfishly placed on my mom. Listen, my aunt is super cool. She opened up about emotional stuff she’s struggling with. My goodness. I LOVE talking about that! We walked for almost two hours chatting away about our feelings and what’s going on in our internal worlds.

As she was talking I realized that even though she was much older than me, she was still just a woman trying to figure shit out. Just like me. So she’s not lying when she says she learns things from me. I somehow subconsciously believed that adults who are my parents’ age have their lives figured out. Which is why I was mad at my mum. I thought she had the capacity to meet my every need but was choosing not to. I was wrong. They all still need to figure themselves out.

That realization made me feel closer to my aunt. She was being vulnerable with me. Showing me her own grudge against her mother even though we didn’t realize it was about her grudge against her mother. That made me feel connected not just to my aunt but to every woman on earth.

We grow from being girls to being women with no map to follow. We are all just making up womanhood as we go. There is no standard of being a good woman. We are always defining that for ourselves. So whether we become mothers and/or wives, choose to stay single and/or childless, there is no map to follow. There is no wrong or right way of doing it. There’s just our way and everyone’s way of doing it.

My mother’s womanhood is not wrong. Neither is my aunt’s nor mine. It just is.

I went and bought myself some skincare products yesterday cos I was breaking myself free from my mother’s version of womanhood. My mother doesn’t wear makeup. She’s never had a skincare routine. So I’d told myself that I didn’t care for beauty and skincare. I do not have to model my womanhood after my mother’s. I can define my own. There is no map. I care for beauty. I have enough vanity in me for that.

My sister in law was the first close example for me for caring about beauty. She has excellent skin! Seeing her spend on good quality skincare products made me see the kind of womanhood that cared about beauty. She’s expanded my world in that area. I want to be as good as her when it comes to taking care of my skin. Beauty matters to me, as it turns out. And I have her to give me pointers.

Extending grace to my mother actually made me realize that I had a whole tribe of women to help me define my womanhood. My tribe released my mother from the prison of being my one great example of everything. I am slowly releasing myself to the embrace of all the women in my life. I am allowing them to touch the places I thought should only be touched by my mom.

I bought my skincare products at Glow Theory. They sell Korean skincare products. I learnt about Korean products from women on the internet. It seems women have always been able to meet my every need. Not individually but as a tribe.

I am so thankful that my mom doesn’t have to help me define my womanhood all by herself. She has and she continues to teach me what she knows. My mom has the most beautiful garden at home. Her hobby is gardening. She teaches me how to take care of my plants. Sometimes she helps me take care of them. She doesn’t have to be my everything.

I have everything in my tribe.

To the girl I told about my first period before I told my mom, thank you. You gave my mom a break to be human. To the friend who taught me how to use makeup, thank you. You gave my mom a break to be herself. To the girl who introduced me to tampons, thank you. You gave my mom a break to do other things. To the sister who taught me how to use shaving sticks, thank you. You gave my mom a break to worry about other things. To the women who are always whispering sex, career, exercise, dating, cooking, you name it tips. Thank you. You give my mom a break to just be.