Everything sucks.
I woke up before my alarm today as I have been for the past God-knows-how-long in a panic. I’m always anxious about oversleeping and being late for work. I also go to bed early so I don’t oversleep. I hate how much of my life currently resolves around work. On Sundays I have to be back home early so I don’t sleep late then wake up late for work. My whole life from when I wake up to when I sleep revolves around work. I hate it a lot.
My appetite has been terrible since my angel died. I’ve lost weight. I’ve been seeing all those things but ignoring them cos I already have so much to deal with. I won’t die of starvation so I have some runway to sort this out.
Today in therapy I just broke down. I was feeling frustrated with EVERYTHING. I’ve been battling finding meaning to my life. Sure I LOVE writing but at most that takes an hour of my day. But I have more hours of life to live and they feel meaningless and long.
My therapist pointed out that my boyfriend also gave meaning to my life. Now there’s just one huge void where he used to be that’s why I feel so empty. I cried some more because wow, how much can one’s death cost one person in one lifetime?! I didn’t just lose the love of my life. I lost my old self, I lost my old life, I lost my hopes and dreams that were built with him in mind, I lost my future plans. I can’t even begin to quantify this loss.
I moved in with my brother when my love died. No matter how much someone says “feel at home” I can never feel at home in a home that isn’t mine. So I’ve also been desperately missing having a home to call my own. Friends and family are amazing and have opened up their homes to me. But I can’t help feel that niggling feeling of having to observe someone’s rules cos I’m under their roof. I miss having my own place with no rules.
I miss SO much about my old life with the love of my life in it. I want to say out loud that right now, everything sucks. I can’t believe I’m still discovering new ways in which my angel’s passing has impacted my life. There’s just SO. MUCH. LOSS. I could have never imagined that his passing would make me feel SO miserable at work. It’s not like we worked together but his presence made a lot of things worthwhile.
Work will always be work. Nothing has changed there. But I have changed. I have changed in ways that I’m yet to fully understand. My God. I want to curl up in a ball and just weep. Weep for all the broken dreams and lost hopes. Weep for who I was before all of this happened. Weep for the life I’d built for myself which I loved and I was immensely proud of. I want to weep for everything that went with my love.
Today I’m tired of being positive. Of trying to find the silver lining. I don’t want to try and make myself feel better. That’s already so much work. I am really trying my best to move forward but today I’d like to pause and just admit that ohmygod. This sucks. All of it sucks.
