Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you.

I’ve had this nagging pain on my lower abdomen for about three weeks now. Given my medical history particularly my reproductive health I suspected something was wrong. What that something was I didn’t exactly want to know. I’ve been in and out of hospital for fibroids and cysts and most recently some hormonal injection to slow down my overactive ovaries so you can understand why I wasn’t keen on finding out what the problem was this time.

I was on holiday when the pain started and only had Panado on hand. So I took that. When I got back the pain got worse and with my gynecologist on leave I had to ask a GP friend to write me a script of the meds I usually take for that pain. The pain seemed to be subsiding. However it wasn’t completely gone so I still needed to take painkillers everyday.

Last night however it started to feel more aggressive. I barely slept. I took two different strong painkillers just so I could sleep. I woke up super early cos of the pain again and decided I couldn’t wait for my gynecologist to return from leave I had to find one to at least do a scan and tell me the cause of the pain. I called up different gynecologists this morning and let me tell you, gynaes are BOOKED AND BUSY! I was so shocked. I’m so used to being squeezed in whenever I need to see my gynae so it was humbling to be told gynaes were booked until FEBRUARY!

I called up one last one and the lady at reception told me the doctor was fully booked. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her I wasn’t but was in excruciating pain and desperately needed to see a gynae. She took pity on me and said I could come after lunch. I made sure to be 30 mins early for my appointment because I didn’t want to delay someone who was being nice to me.

The gynae was super nice and once again I thanked my lucky stars for “randomly” matching me with a nice doc. We ran through my medical history and then he did a scan which confirmed my worst fear. I have yet another hemorrhaging cyst so big it’s almost the size of my uterus if not the same size as my uterus. This doctor was previously worried about preserving my fertility and I assured him I had long made peace with infertility being my reality. I do not see children in my future and my body seems to co-sign that.

Anyway, I was due to start my new job which I’ve been excited for on Monday however I will now be going for surgery instead. The goal is to remove the cyst as carefully as possible but there’s also a chance the ovary will have to be removed as well. I called up my work people in a state just after receiving the news and they were so sweet and so kind about it they said I could just take sick leave instead of moving my start date on my contract for which I’m grateful.

I wanted to cry in the doctor’s room but I am the adult in my life now so I had to call my medical aid to get preauthorization for my hospital admission and also make arrangements for how I’d get my work laptop, be in hospital on time and also inform my family and friends so there really wasn’t any time to cry. My boyfriend came to pick me up from the hospital even though our prior arrangement was he would drop me off and I’d uber back home because he was working. I think he felt sad and/or sorry for me.

I was taking all of this personally but while quietly thinking about it I realize that although I cannot explain why I keep getting these hemorrhaging cysts (they ALWAYS are) it is not personal. No one is out to get me. I am not being punished by anyone for anything. If it wasn’t happening to me who would I want it to happen to? It really just is what it is. I have cried the tears I needed to let out because as much as I understand it’s not personal it’s incredibly sad for me.

Some people keep asking me if there isn’t anything that can be done to stop the cysts and honestly I think if there was, that would have been long done. I understand people ask from a good place but I’m also just tired of it all you know? I’m listening to “Even when it hurts” by Hillsong on repeat because yes, I am rebuilding my faith and so “even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise You.”

I am thankful for the love and support from my friends and family. I’ve been inundated with “how can I help/what do you need?” texts. To my village, thank you. I am not okay with any of this and if I had it my way none of it would be happening. However it is what it is and I have to be at peace with it. This is just life being life. I long made peace with that life’s ways will always trump my little desires. I can only hope that at some point my desires are aligned with life’s plans for me but until then I have to stay pliable. Life will always life. It is life-ing right now and “even when I have no song, I’ll praise You.”

I really have no song right now except maybe, fuck this shit? I don’t know. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers and hope it all goes well. I’ve had all my surgeries performed by one gynae until now so there’s that anxiety as well but I trust the syllabus was the same for all qualified gynecologists. :)