Dear God, please ignore my previous texts.
I can explain.
I was working yesterday when I suddenly felt this terrible fear of dying. That caught me by surprise. I have spent a long time wishing for my death so to feel actual fear of dying was quite the surprise. It wasn’t fear of how I’ll die it was fear of not being alive anymore. I went and wrote a long journal entry begging God to ignore all my previous requests cos I’d very much like to stay alive please and thank you.
That is a great improvement for me. I’m not sure what exactly I want to do with my life but I’d like to be alive to figure it out. When I got into bed my wonder blanket was nice and warm and I let out a moan thinking that’s part of why I want to stay alive. For the feeling of warmth. There’s just nothing like it. I’m very happy about this new development. I don’t understand how my boyfriend was SO sure that he was done with life. I’m curious about the future and I’d like to be around to see it unfold.
I am turning 31 in October and it feels like my life is just beginning. I want to stay alive in spite of this incredible pain I’m experiencing. I have hope that things will get better, that I will experience full joy again. I want to feel joy for being alive again. I can’t say I’m joyful right now but I’d like to be alive to see myself get filled with joy again. I want to experience the magic of being alive that I was familiar with before my boyfriend passed.
I was telling someone about this new development and how it feels silly that I don’t even know what I want to be alive for . He told me something that will stay with me forever. He said I don’t have to be alive for a grand idea. I can be alive for small reasons like being warm for example. I liked that a lot. I don’t have to be “great” to deserve my life. By virtue of being alive I am worthy and deserving of my life.
I realize I will die at some point as that is inevitable. I want to however get to that after I’ve lived a long and full life. I don’t want to arrive at death safely. I want to live out loud. I am holding on to this feeling for dear life. It’s been so long since I felt this deep desire to be alive. I’ve mostly been low-key praying for my death. Something I believed I would welcome with joy. However, right now I don’t feel like that and it is worth writing about!
Please ask God to ignore my previous texts. I quite like being alive. It sucks right now but I’d like to hang around long enough to see it get better, as it usually does. Ha. Deep sigh. I love this feeling. A LOT.