…but I’m doing it.

I miss my boyfriend so much. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about him or long for his physical presence. He was my best friend. My soulmate.

Sometimes it feels like my breathing is labored. Like I’m trying to breathe while climbing up a mountain without stopping for air. I don’t even know what stopping for air looks like here. It’s endless climbing with no breaks in between. My heart is forever breaking. I am forever crumbling to pieces within. This pain is here to stay. This pain now forms a part of the fabric of my life.

I am terrified of this space I’m in. It feels like I’m free falling. I am still trying to make sense of everything. Still trying to understand how I went to bed madly in love with a man I was planning a future that involved marriage with and then I just woke up single.

I feel so alone in this pain. Like no matter how much people sympathize with me they’ll never truly understand how it feels to be in my shoes right now. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want a break from having to feel ALL. OF. THIS.

The love of my life died. That sentence scares me and confuses me all at once. I don’t recognize my life anymore. All of this is too new for me. I am longing for something familiar.

I miss my boyfriend. I miss the intimacy we shared. Our love was so warm. I keep resisting the urge to scream “why me?” cos it feels like such a cruel joke that this would happen to me. But who would I want this to happen to instead? Nobody that’s who. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I am trying to take things as slowly as possible. I’m trying to make sense of everything. Understanding what is happening to me right now, how it’s shaping me, what and who it’s shaping me into. Too much is happening all at once. I’m trying to sort through things one at a time. Trying to figure out if I’m coming or going.

I woke up single not by choice. My boyfriend and I were planning to get married. When he died we were both sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. And then I woke up all alone. Hopes and dreams gone with him.

I’m trying to imagine a different future for myself. A future with myself. A future without the love of my life. I can’t make it out just yet. It’s all so blurry. I can’t make out what lies ahead with all this fog in front of me.

I miss cuddling with him. Bedtime feels extra lonely for me. This is hard. I can hear my psychiatrist’s voice in my head saying, “it’s hard but you’re doing it.” I am doing it. Labored breathing and all. I am doing it. I don’t know how I’m doing it but I know I am.

To keep from overwhelming myself I’m not thinking too far ahead. Getting through a day is more than enough for me. There’s some denial I’m yet to overcome. A part of me wants this to be some part of one long winded nightmare. But I’m not dreaming. All this is real. My boyfriend, the love of my life died. Help me make sense of that.

I’m scared I won’t lie. Shit scared. I know I’ve never been in control but this has just put my illusion of control on a big screen. I’m freaking out just realizing how not in control I am. My world has spiralled out of control.

It’s hard but I’m doing it. I pray for strength to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after until my time comes as well. I thought I had reached the sweet spot of my life. The part where I slow danced through life to savor every moment. We did slow dance through life this year albeit our time on the dance floor was cut short. The music was stopped while we thought we were just getting started. What horror. What a nightmare.

Anyway I just needed to vent. Bedtime is hard for me. I am trying to make sense of my life right now. Nothing makes sense to me at the moment.

It’s hard. I hope I’m able to keep doing it anyway. “It” is surviving.

I love you forever my angel. ♥️