As I am…

I’ve been listening to a lot of pastor Steven Furtick’s sermons on YouTube and I swear that man has formed a new neural pathway in my brain.

I have often struggled with the word of God. Seeing it as something for other people who are far much holier than I’ll ever be. My faith has been based on my own experiences with God and not necessarily stories from the Bible. I could never relate to the stories in the Bible.

I think I have even shared on this blog that scripture doesn’t comfort me the same way it seems to comfort other people. When the love of my life died, I did not want to hear anything from “the word of God.” “What did the people in the Bible know about my pain?!”, I thought to myself.

I instead turned to poetry and other writings by people who had experienced the kind of pain I was going through. I found those stories more comforting than the Bible ever could be to me.

Then Pastor Steven Furtick came along...

Man. That man is anointed for his calling. He has made the Bible more relatable to me that *anyone* ever has.

I listen to his sermons throughout my day. I just let YouTube auto play them for me while I go about my day. And I think the constant stream of God’s word in my ears has finally formed a new neural pathway in my brain. I feel different like the sermons have actually changed the way I think and view God and myself.

I started noticing myself having empathy for one of Jesus’ disciples, Peter. Peter, as described by Pastor Steven Furtick, sounded just like me. Human. Flawed.

Man. I always thought Jesus chose his disciples cos of how outstanding in their faith they were! Nope. They were just fishermen going about the business of being fishermen. My heart.

It was listening to Steven Furtick’s sermons that got me to pull out my physical Bible for the first time in thirteen years! I got a new perspective about the stories in the Bible.

It wasn’t a collection of stories about God’s most perfect human beings. Nope. They were all human, flawed just like me! They just allowed themselves to be used by a perfect God.

Man. Only God is perfect. Not Jesus’ disciples, not Steven Furtick, not your pastor, not your parents, not you and certainly not me. NO ONE is perfect. Perfect and human can never co-exist.

Even if one prayed and fasted for 40 days and 40 nights- they still wouldn’t achieve perfection. Perfection is not a feature of human beings. No one is perfect and no one *needs* to be perfect.

I don’t know why I always believed I needed to be perfect to be worthy of anything. It was this impossible standard of perfection that kept me away from God. I thought I just wasn’t good enough and would never be.

But man. Jesus used the imperfect disciples to do his perfect work. Which means even me, Sanele, could also be used ….. AS I AM!!

What a game changer! As much as I love God I don’t particularly enjoy gospel music. I LOVE music! Spotify always says I’m part of the 1% top listeners in the country. Loool that’s how much I listen to music. I use Spotify primarily for music not podcasts. So yea, that’s how much I love music. But 30mins of gospel music is enough to put me off it.

I have wrestled with this for YEARS!! You see why I just stayed far away from God?! How could I even begin conversing with him if I couldn’t listen to his supposed music. lol

Also I like going to house music live gigs. I’m generally a homebody until there’s an event with my favourite house music and Afro tech djs. As I began to understand the word of God better through Steven Furtick’s sermons I thought that meant I needed to also start listening to more gospel music.

It was easy to start with Elevation Worship cos at least I’d heard the stories behind some of the songs since Steven Furtick writes some of the songs. But after a while I’d get bored, like I always do.

Then that’s when I started noticing how Peter (Jesus’ disciple) was still very human and flawed even after encountering Jesus IN PERSON! You’d think seeing Jesus in person would perfect one’s faith. But nope. Peter denied Jesus not once but THREE times!! He also went back to his boat to fish after Jesus died.

Meaning, even after ALL he had seen Jesus do with his own eyes his faith still struggled just like mine still does even after all that I know about God. Man. Peter was just like me!!!

That made me so happy. Jesus has never wanted me to perfect. How can he expect the impossible from me, a mere mortal?

This newfound knowledge that I am accepted as I am has translated into radical self acceptance on my part.

If indeed there is something in me that God could improve not necessarily fix (I don’t need fixing I’m not broken) it won’t start with me pretending that part of me does not exist. I accept all of me as I am cos my maker approves of me as I am.

Man. I’m jamming to an electro dance music playlist as I type this. Dance music just speaks to my soul. I think that’s also just a reflection of how I feel in my soul of late. Of late I feel joyful and my taste in music reflects that.

In the months after my boyfriend died and maybe for almost 2yrs after his passing, I listened to such depressing music. It didn’t sound depressing to me then cos it was a reflection of how I felt inside. And that’s generally how I relate to music. I want it to express what I’m feeling inside.

Gospel music is about the lyrics but I don’t listen to music for the lyrics. I hate preachy music. For me music must play with my emotions not my mind. I don’t want it to tell me what to think, I want it to tell me what to feel. Gospel music tells one what to think. So you see. That’s why I don’t enjoy it.

It requires one to listen to the message. That’s not what I use music for in my life. I don’t want to hear what they have to say. I want the sound to speak to me. So it’s not that I’m demon possessed like I almost convinced myself I was. 🤣🤣🤣 It’s just not what I use music for in my life. And that truly is ok.

God has use for a Sanele who prefers the melody to lyrics. God has use for this Sanele, AS I AM. Man. That’s such an amazing thought! To know that my maker loves me just like he made me not who I think I should be.

That has truly freed me to just be myself. I no longer perform around people trying to be who I think they want me to be. I’m just myself in all spaces I enter and what a relief it is to not have to keep shifting and changing who I am based on who I’m with.

Right now I’m on vacation with my baby dog in Margate. I don’t think anything who thinks “vacation” thinks “Margate!” Lol but I just love the beach. I travel to read by the beach. That is *my* idea of my ideal vacation.

I could bankrupt myself trying to go to places society deems more Instagram worthy. But I’m not living my life to impress anyone. I’m just being myself not putting on a show. That is SO incredibly freeing cos then I have the kind of fun that is fun specifically *for Sanele.*

I am now living my life as the freest version of myself. I accept myself *as I am.* I do things *for me* not for some imaginary audience.

If Jesus could use the disciples and everyone else mentioned in the Bible AS THEY WERE, he surely has use for Sanele as she is.

AS I AM. What radical, life changing words!! I don’t have to change anything about me to be found worthy by God. AS I AM.

Man. What a gift it is to know that I am already enough AS I AM!!

Of late I like to list the things I am and remind myself that God loves THAT about me. So God loves the Sanele who loves her dog more than anything. God loves the Sanele who prefers her dog’s company over literally everyone else’s company. That’s not something I need to change about myself.

God loves the Sanele who loves to be alone A LOT. God loves the Sanele who would rather have more money than have a romantic partner so she can go on more road trips with her dog. These aren’t character flaws. I’m not broken.

I am enough and I am loved…. AS I AM. 🙌🏾