Something dawned on me while on the retreat. Grief is a playground with ZERO rules. There are no yellow cards, no red cards, no whistles to signify that time’s up. Nothing. It’s just you and the playing field. What you do on the field, how you do it and how long you do it is ENTIRELY up to you! Scary, right? Wrong! It’s liberating.
I feel free. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone would have done if they were in my shoes. Nobody is in my shoes. Only I am. I am the one who lost her Tshegofatso. We may share similar losses but even our pain is unique to us. Grief is starting to feel like an exclusive club. Only precious humans who’ve experienced the privilege of loving and then losing someone get to walk through this door… to total freedom!
I feel high off this revelation. I don’t have to grieve in a way that is “acceptable” to anyone. I only need to do it in a way that feels true to ME. I am a whole human being who is UNLIKE any other on this planet so why would anything I do have to match someone else’s actions?
Ugh. I feel free!
I don’t feel any bit of embarrassment talking about my dead boyfriend SO much. He was the love of my life. Not even he can dictate to me now how I process this loss. I do only what is true to me. I really love this for me.
I give myself permission to be happy in spite of the sadness. I give myself permission to cry whenever and wherever I feel like it. Boy do I cry a lot! And I am not sorry about it. I am allowing myself to experience everything as it comes. I have immense gratitude for my angel whose love outlived him. What we shared was nothing short of magic!
I miss him. I love him, forever. And I will carry on doing this MY way because he would have wanted that for me but mostly cos it matters to me. I want to keep moving forward even though sometimes I have to crawl to move forward. This playground is mine to love and to hold, to cherish- forever.
I can choose to set up camp here and reside here for the rest of my life. But I’m too curious to be confined in one space for the rest of my life. So I expect to see other places but make many stops on this playground as triggers show up.
I loved with no reservations. I am choosing to live with no reservations also. This is MY life. Like all lives, sacred, irrevocable and so very belonging to me (s/o to Cheryl Strayed for the words.)
I love this playground a lot. It doesn’t even have a referee! I have full creative permission to make up my own rules that’s if I even want any rules to begin with! 😅
My heart is full. Nothing was left unsaid between my angel I. The story was cut short but it was complete. I remain grateful for our time together. I’ll love him forever cos again, no rules here. :)