A new chapter. My year of settling.
Last week was a week from hell for me. I work in Finance, it was month end at work. Crazy time. Then I was moving. Then I was processing Rickstar’s passing which was very triggering for me cos he died the same way my boyfriend died. I was sad and exhausted.
I mentioned a while back that I bought an apartment. I got the keys last week. So I was also dealing with the excitement of being a new homeowner as well. I was dealing with intense feelings which were pulling me in different directions. That left me exhausted. I don’t know how I made it through the week but I did. Thankfully.
I’ve had quite a busy weekend as well. Yesterday there was a party for one of my niece’s classmates. Turning 5. So I was on auntie duty. I took my niece to the the party. Then today my younger niece was turning two so there was another celebration. I haven’t really had much time to rest.
I came back home earlier than usual today cos I’m tired. I wanted to nap but I thought against it cos I’m scared I’ll struggle sleeping later on. So I plonked myself on the couch and watched tv. This was the first time I had just chilled in my new home. And it hit me. I bought an apartment. I’m a homeowner now.
This feels so monumental to me. I’ve done well for myself. I’m in love with my new home. It’s exactly what I hoped I’d find when I decided to buy and it’s in a neighborhood that I love. I’m happy.
All my sessions in therapy this year have touched on what I like to call my lack of ambition. I don’t have big career dreams. I also don’t want to achieve any greatness. I want a beautiful, ordinary life. I often judge myself especially after hearing of other people’s ambitions. I always feel like the loser. The one without ambition.
My therapist has challenged me to define ambition for myself and I realize that my definition is what society has told me ambition looks like or rather, should look like. I want to self actualize. I want to be happy. I want joy to know me by name. I want a comfortable life. Apparently that too is ambition. My priorities are just different from what society places the most value in.
When the purchase of my home was finalized I told my therapist that according to my definition of success I was successful. I’ve always told myself that I’d be successful if I own a home, a car and I can still afford my holidays. Note that I don’t say my holidays should be big. I just want to be able to take time off to go to a place I like and catch my breath. That is success to me.
It feels incredible that I am successful according to my standards. I’m not striving for anything more right now. I don’t want a bigger home, or bigger car or bigger job or bigger anything. I’m content where I am right now. What an incredible feeling! But I have to say it’s only feeling incredible now after lots of back and forth in my head.
I was worried that maybe my definition of success was settling. But who cares? It’s MY definition that I apply only to MY life. Why should I care what anyone else thinks? This year I am choosing stability. I have achieved all the things I wanted to achieve so I’m moving my focus from acquiring more to maintaining what I have. That is my sole goal for the year.
I stumbled across a post I resonated deeply with while I was still processing my internal conflict about my “settling”.
I love that A LOT! It’s like she’s been reading my journals. That post was the affirmation I needed to know I’m not crazy. It’s not a crazy idea for one to be truly content. It doesn’t mean I’m any less than the next person. I just want different things for myself and that too is okay. Phew. Aren’t I glad!
I have everything I need right now for a comfortable life. So instead of chasing more, I am choosing to savor what I have. I am taking myself off the rat race to ENJOY my life and all that is in it. So thankful. This is my year of settling.