A love song for every black girl
The world LOVES riding on the backs of black women. Black women are expected to lead ALL social justice movements and when we do, the movements are co-opted by white women and/or men. Being black and a woman is hard. Don’t get me started on being black and an LBTQ+ woman.
We are constantly fighting. To be heard, seen, believed, given the benefit of the doubt, our right to exist, anything AND everything. It’s not easy. I’m a very “phuma silwe” person and I am that black woman they warn “fragile” white girls about. I’m always up for battle. I mean, that was my whole reason for leaving corporate to join an NGO. I wanted to be in the trenches. I wanted to fight for a more just society, our rights, everything. I wanted to be counted among the people on the front-lines in the fight for justice.
Black girl, I know how much it hurts
To always prove your worth
They won’t make it easy, but baby believe me
Your life is precious, and you’ll be alright
Well, until I started racking up crazy medical bills due to the state of my mental health. I mean, I have surely survived the worst but I neglected the cost of being a rage machine in all my calculations. It’s too steep. I have a medical aid plan that costs 2 million for the sole reason to cover my mental health bills. My therapist charges R990 per session, my psychiatrist R1650 for a 30 min session. Meds cost well, too much. I am fortunate I have no dependents so I can afford that medical aid plan but come on, therapy should not be a “luxury”.
Black girl, we’ll leave this fight to someone else for now
You can close your eyes, let your hair down
Breath in, breath out
I’ve been having conversations with my therapist about my guilt over having a medical aid plan that costs as much as someone’s salary and being able to run and decompress with her when the world gets tough. What of the women who have put their lives on the line for others and do not have the luxury to go sit on a therapist’s couch to let out all the heaviness they carry with them every single f’n day?! We live in a very unjust society. The world is unjust. Grossly so.
I was bawling my eyes out on my therapist’s couch yesterday over the injustice, the unfairness of it all. My God. I cried. I cried until I started shaking from just crying. I told her about my anger over how the rich can slap you with a cheque to buy your silence. My God. It’s not fair that powerful people get to trample all over the “small” people and then throw a cheque at it to “fix” the problem. Fun fact. I wasn’t consciously aware of my anger. But my dreams told on me. I was either having panic attacks in my sleep or dreaming of taking my rage out by literally pummeling the shit out of certain individuals.
Yes, there will be battles, you’ll sometimes lose
They’d never last for a day in your shoes
You still need to rest too
Sigh. No one pays me to stay mad. I left twitter as an act of self care. I couldn’t afford to be angry every single f’n day. I mean, I still can’t afford it. I’ve been having an internal struggle about this whole thing. I have courage and confidence most people do not have. I am not afraid of anyone and will therefore stand up to anyone. “Phuma silwe”, I told you. But at what cost? Very few things are as terrible as having a panic attack in your sleep. Fortunately I keep a stash of anxiety meds by my bedside which I have to take at night and then another for if I wake up in the middle of a panic attack.
My therapist’s assignment to me yesterday was to spend time thinking of my definition of justice because my current definition costs me too damn much. She has had a front row sit to it ALL. She knows how much it has cost me personally and I have quietly decided it’s too high a price for me to pay. I am still ruminating on our session. I’ll be going to see a physiotherapist next week about my jaw clenching. It’s something new for me but my jaw will not relax.
After my session one song immediately came to mind. Tasha’s Lullaby. I’ve had it on repeat since yesterday because it is the love song my heart so desperately needs right now and it’s the song I’ve been quoting. If you, like me, have been feeling the weight of being an unpaid rage machine maybe you will also love this song. Give it a listen and remember to handle yourself with a little extra tenderness because you are human too and deserve it.
It’s ok, you can keep your magic to yourself, keep it tucked away
They’ll have to find another wonder for today
You don’t always have to be the one to save the world
